Wednesday, December 29, 2004
I moved to a new house in early December. I put in a move request for DSL at my new house with Earthlink before Thanksgiving. I checked it online the next day and it was gone. I put in another request, again is disappeared. A third, and it was gone. So I did a live chat to try a fourth time and was told to call in. I did and finally got the move request processed on November 29th.
Now you would think that was all I needed to do and between Verizon, my local phone company, and Earthlink, they could get my DSL turned on in the new house.
But no, it was not to be.
I called Verizon on December 15 and was told that they had my line DSL ready and told me to call Earthlink. I did and they told me my DSL would be active on December 17. OK, so on said day, I waited and waited and waited and my poor little DSL box never synced up. Hmmmmm.....
So Monday December 20 I called Earthlink and they told me that they had turned on my DSL as promised. But when I verified my address it was wrong and they had, in fact, turned on DSL to my old phone number, because Verizon screwed up my phone change request and put in my old address. Now why no one noticed that I was moving into and out of the same house is beyond me. But no one did. So, I had to call Verizon to get that squared away. Which I did.
I then called Earthlink and had to put in an entirely new move DSL request. That was done on December 22. But when Earthlink sent the information electronically to Verizon, Verizon kicked it back as invalid and Earthlink promptly cancelled my request. But did anyone call me.....no.
So every day last week and this week, I've been on the phone starting at 8:30 AM and talking to one company, who tells me to call the other company, which I do and then back and forth until around noon when everything, so they both tell me, is fine and I'll have DSL in a couple of days.
But then I check the request on Earthlink's website and each day it says there is a problem with my order and I call in again. And every day Earthlink keeps telling me my order was cancelled. Why? Because Verizon keeps kicking it back.
So I hit my whits end this last Monday morning when after two hours of talking to people from each company, Earthlink told me to, once again, call Verizon. And I said NO! I told her that I didn't work for either company, that I was their customer and I paid them. I told the lady that I would not call anyone again, that she needed to call someone at Verizon and speak to an actual person and figure out what was going on. She hitched a second and then finally said, "Well, yes, I suppose I could do that." Holy Hell, she supposes she could do that.....isn't that what she gets paid to do?
And you know what she found out. Verizon was kicking each request back because Earthlink was submitting the wrong technical specs for my DSL. Again, why no one bothered to check it all out is beyond me.
So I'm still waiting for my DSL and hoping with all the calling I've been doing, reps from both companies are tired of hearing from me and will finally get this done for me.
It pisses me off to no end that I spend hours upon hours calling them and no one will get off their ass, walk down a hall and talk to someone for me to figure this out. So if anyone from Verizon or Earthlink blogs in their spare time, and they read this, let me say this - your companies collectively suck much ass!!!!! Your customer service is beyond shitty!!!! And the wait times to actually speak to someone are astronomically long!!!!
And finally, if I don't have DSL by next week, I'm moving on to another company and damned if you'll ever get cancellation fees out of me.
OK, I think I'm done bitching now.
Friday, December 24, 2004
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find you and I collide
So, throughout most of my adult life, I buy a CD because I like a song or two and then for some reason the CD becomes like my therapy CD. It's always in my car, every song speaks to me, I smile, I cry, I stew when listening to it and then months later after I've worked through something, I listen to the CD and I just hear it and it's still wonderful, but it doesn't move me like it did. It's more like a memory, I smile, I'm appreciative, but I've moved on.
Matchbox 20's "Mad Season" was an incredible influence on some things I was going through years ago. Songs like "Rest Stop" and "Bed of Lies" I just couldn't stop listening to. The CD by Nine Days, "The Madding Crowd" was in my car stereo for almost six months. Back in 1995 the Counting Crows CD, "August and Everything After" was all I listened to. And up until last month Sarah MacLachlan's "Afterglow" CD was my therapy disc. Especially the song "Time" -
So leave me be.
I don't want to argue
I just get confused and I come all undone
If I agree well it's just to appease you
'Cause I don't remember what we're fighting for.
You see love a tight thorny thread
That you spin in a circle of gold.
To have me to hold me
A token for all to see
Captured to be yours alone.
I need just a little more silence
I need just a little more time.
For courage to pull away
There will be hell to pay
Deeper you cut to the bone.
And then last night I was listening to Howie Day, which has become my new therapy CD. For so many songs speak to me about what I'm going through in my life right now. And last night, as I was wrapping gifts, I heard the song "She Says" and really listened to it because some of the words caught me. I don't know if I quite understand it yet, but the song is me....and all that I'm feeling right now and as I figure out more about where I'm going and what I'm going to be doing in my life, I'm pretty sure this song will be there.
Sweet is the side of her room
Window open by candlelight
How would you know cold winter on the shore
Chills a dress she wore
It’s on the floor and it feels so warm today
And that’s why I’m wondering why you had to tell me
What’s going on I your head
Come around to another time when you don’t have to run
And when she said she wants somebody else
I hope you know that she doesn’t mean you
And when she breaks down and makes a sound
You’ll never hear her the way that I do
Swing into flight over hills
Over her hills it’s twilight
Yeah, I guess that’s right now while we’re here
Tell me why it’s so funny
That you’re so funny when you’re mad
Always so mad, so mad
And that’s why I’m wondering why you had to tell me
What’s going on I your head
Come around to another time when you don’t have to run
And when she said she wants somebody else
I hope you know that she doesn’t mean you
And when she breaks down and makes a sound
You’ll never hear her the way that I do
And when she said she wants someone to love
I hope you know she doesn’t mean you
And when she breaks down and lets you down
I hope you know that she knows she doesn’t mean you
Yeah and I don’t know where...come and find me
I don’t know what we’re coming to
And I don’t know what it means to me
And you don’t know what it means to you
And I don't know what it means to me....but damn, I just can't stop thinking of the words to this song.
Thursday, December 23, 2004
I did tell CP last night, because he's been being a butthead for the last couple of days, that if he didn't pull his head out and start acting like a human being then I was going to leave him the Christmas dinner and go to my mom's and spend the holidays with her. :-)
This morning he was very nice to all of us.
So I still don't have DSL at my home, because Earthlink screwed up my move request. Now they are telling me that they have a follow up date of January 3rd to look at my request and see what they can do. I told them that wasn't good enough and am checking into getting DSL from another company, because it sucks to be without it at home.
I also took advantage of a work thing and took on some home/office cleaning gigs. I work for a barter company and I found out last week that a lot of people call in and want home and/or office cleaning on a half cash/half trade basis. The company currently doesn’t have anyone who cleans so I said, "I'll do that." The money is good, the trade money is nice and I'm driven to make my own money and make my own way. For many, many reasons. And so far it's good.
Merry Christmas, Happy New Years, Happy Holidays, Happy Hanukah, etc. I hope the ensuing holidays are wonderful for you all and your families.
PS – thank you to those who commented on my last post. I appreciate it. More than I can express in words.
Monday, December 20, 2004
I had a crazy week last week and even though I'm sitting here in front of my computer with no DSL and no Blogger web page to type this into, I'm still terrified to write about this week. But that's me expecting the worst. I'm worried that everyone who reads this is going to finish and give a heavy sigh and never come back. But I started this blog not expecting anyone to read it....ever. I did it for me and to help me through a sad situation that had broken my heart.
And right now I need to get this all out of me no matter what the outcome. I have a lot of emotions and feelings to work through and I've never felt better about the course of my life than I have since I started this blog. So this is where I want to work through it.
So here goes.
I woke up last Wednesday morning, well, I never really went to sleep, so I didn't really wake up....and I was stressed out. I freaked out because of the night before. But I didn't freak out because I was upset with myself, I was freaked because I thought the worst in someone else. And I got myself all worked up expecting to get my heart broken again and it was a complete waste of my time. If I'd never expected the worst, I could have saved myself hours of sadness and worry.
But I need to go back to completely tell this story. I have to go back to the middle of November.
About a week before I left for Burbank I got a phone call from GB. I didn't know why he called me or what prompted it and I didn't recognize his number at first, but once I knew it was him, I knew I wanted to answer.
I was scared and a little shaky because I wanted to talk to him and I wanted to mend the fences, but I didn't know, still, if I could be a good friend to him. If I've learned anything about myself over the last few months, it's that I need to do what I need to do for me, in my life, and I've got to do what is good for me. Talking to GB again, seeing him again, if it wasn't going to be good for me and if it was going to take my focus away from what I want out of my life, then I shouldn't be talking to him.
And isn't it just like a woman for all this stuff to run through my head in the few seconds I stared at his number on my cell phone before I answered it.
So the phone call was good. And it was pretty easy to tell right away that things were different for us. He'd broken up with his girlfriend and later told me that the reason he called me was he was trying to reach out to those people he'd lost touch with during the crazy months of his life where he was really struggling to figure out with relationship with his girlfriend. I don't want to bore you with all the details, but suffice to say, I think for the first time we were both honest with each other. Not that he wasn't honest, but I know I wasn't and this time around I was.
At one point I was thinking about the email I sent him and realizing that I told him I fell in love with him in that email. I never thought I would talk to him again and so at the time it seemed like the wise thing to do. To be honest, no matter the cost. But telling someone you love them and never talking to them again, well, that's a little easier than telling someone you love them and then all of a sudden be talking to them after months. So I just sort of let it go and figured he knew how I felt and he called me anyway. Besides, it was just really great and comforting to be a part of his life and I was hoping that wouldn't change. It was comforting to know that he did think about me and he did call.
Months ago when I sent that email to him I wanted him to call me, but really I didn't. I wanted it to be over because I knew I couldn't be his friend as he worked out his relationship with R when I was feeling what I was for him. I felt like I'd lied to him, that I'd pretended to be this easy girl who just wanted a fuck buddy and didn't get involved in anything serious. I figured that with as much as he travels he probably met girls all the time and had a lot of sex and that he didn't want anything serious with anyone, especially me. I convinced myself that when he wasn't with me or talking to me, he never gave me a second thought. I tried so hard to convince myself that he didn't matter to me because I thought I didn't matter to him.
I was so messed up....and I was expecting the worst of him and I was wrong. I know now that I was completely wrong about him. What I can't figure out right now is whether my being wrong has helped how I view everything between GB and I or making it worse. In a way it was easier when I did everything in my power to hate him and hate the memories. Now that I don't, it makes my heart ache just as much as when I tried to hate him.
This last month has been the oddest of my life and because of that I'm sitting in the place trying to figure out which way to go from here. All the talking I've been doing with GB has been good. Really good. But my greatest friend, AF, who mopped me up in August when I went to see her in Sacramento weeks after what happened with GB, is so pissed at me right now. She's worried that I'm making a huge mistake and that if I get hurt again it will be worse than last time. She listened and believed me when I said every nasty thing I said about GB. She doesn't think I should be talking to him at all, much less seeing him.
Which I did. This last week.
And here's where things get really crazy for me and where it hit me full on that I expect the worst in people. GB came to Portland on business. He works for a big corporation, but I have no idea what he does. He was here for a week. So I spent every evening after I got my kids settled into bed, downtown visiting with GB. But I had to lie to do it. And that part I didn't like so much.
The thing is I can justify it easily. CP is extremely selfish and as long as he gets to do what he wants to do and me going out with a friend who is "in town on business" doesn't interfere with his plans, he could give a crap what I do with my time. He wasn't home most of the time I was out anyway, he was out himself.
GB and I have been doing quite a bit of talking on the phone in the last month and some chatting, which I don't normally do, so we each had a fair idea that the crazy, wild attraction was still there, but we didn't know what we were ready for. I mean, I go out almost every weekend and I dance and get freaky with different guys and sometimes make out with whoever is handy (oh, that sounds awful and skanky) but I'm extremely picky when it comes to sex. I don't just hop in the sack with whoever comes along. I'm not into one-night-stands or seeing someone casually. I learned that from my experience with GB and it's one of the best things I figured out. Because sex for all it's greatness, is not something I can do without feeling something. Maybe it's because of what happened to me when I was 19, maybe it's just the way I am wired....maybe it's a combination of the two. Either way, while I could get laid every weekend, I don't. Because I don't want to and because I have a husband.
Yet, oh my God, I wanted to sleep with GB so badly. I really did. But I knew he wasn't ready for a relationship again, he told me as much. And I knew I might not be ready for all the emotion and I didn't know if it would come flooding back. I was worried that by being with him, I would be taking steps back in all that I've accomplished.
For me there is just this thing with him that I've never experience before. He touches me and every part of my body feels it. God, all he has to do is look at me and I feel like he can see inside me and it scares the hell out of me. There are times when I just can't make eye contact with him for too long. I feel naked if I do. I just lose my ability to think and then he kisses me and I'm gone. And I've never felt this way before, maybe because I've just denied it or not been open to it. I don't know. It was what scared the hell out of me when I first met him and it scares me no less now. I've always been able to be rational and think things through and yet, with GB - I'm a puddle. How's that for a shitty description.
So we did....end up in bed. The first two nights he was in town. The second night, a lot more happened than either of us were prepared for or ready for. And that is when I freaked out. Because I thought the worst of him. I thought he would regret sleeping with me because he wasn't ready for a relationship. And so I braced for impact. I figured that it would be just my luck that I was so weak I sleep with him just days after seeing him after months of not talking to him and he would think so poorly of me that he wouldn't ever want to talk to me again. How's that for traveling a negative path? But that's what I did. I worried and fretted the entire next day. And I put all this shit out there and planned for the worst, knowing without a doubt that it was going to happen.
But it didn't. I freaked out, he didn't. In fact, he actually spent some time thinking rationally about the whole thing and through his rationality and my stress, we both ended up in the same place. I stressed out and came to the conclusion that we really shouldn't sleep together for a while, because I have an agenda for my life and I need to focus on that agenda and being with him, because it is so incredible, could really mess up my plans. He calmly came to the same conclusion, that we shouldn't sleep together for a while because he isn't ready for a relationship and wants time to figure his life out and find out what he wants so that he doesn't continue to get involved in the same types of destructive relationships.
Ding, ding, ding.
I want some "me" time. Time to live on my own and travel by myself and date some guys and really try to figure out what it is that has attracted me to controlling, manipulative bastards in the past so that I can recognize those signs in someone I'm dating and run for the fucking hills before it's too late. I want to take this big, fun journey on my own and enjoy every step along the way. And I couldn't do that if I jumped out of this thing with CP into a thing with GB.
So as much as I care about him, and as much as I'd love to see him again. I think we're better off as friends for right now. And he feels that same.
And that is what we talked about the last couple nights he was here. We have this thing, this crazy attraction to each other. And it would be so easy to act on every chance we get, but after spending three months not talking to him, I want to be his friend and I want him to be mine. And so what we decided is that we're going to be friends for now and see if in a couple of years, after I'm on my own and he's living on his own, if we can get the timing right. Maybe, but even if we can't at least we'll be friends. And great friends are hard to come by.
So what I've learned is that in the year that I knew GB, I thought he was just a guy who lied to me about having a girlfriend, so he lied to me about other things. I went down this road and just expected the worst from him. And I believed it and in the end, when I couldn't talk to him anymore, I had to hate him to get him out of my system, which was easy to do given how poorly I thought of him.
In expecting the worst in him, I never saw how things really were. I never really gave him a chance. And I never gave our friendship a chance. I know I can't really rain down on my self too hard for all this realization, because it's new and at the time I didn't know any of this. But still. Because I expected the worse, did I predetermine the end last August? I hope not. I hope that, ultimately, taking three months off from our friendship, helped us both and allowed us to take the time we needed to figure things out so that we can be better for each other now.
I know if he read this it might hurt him to read all the things that I thought about him. To read that I had to hate him in order to get over him. When I told him some of this he looked surprised and hurt. And that is so not what I wanted. I just had to cope and because I expected the worst, my coping took a very negative turn.
So in this new journey that I'm on, this new path, that has freed me from trying to be what CP wants me to be and acting as I thought others thought I should act and realizing that I don't need someone's adoration to be of worth, I realize that stepping onto this path is only the beginning. Opening up to such new ideas and embracing a completely different way of thinking opens the gates to so many more changes. I expected the worst in people and didn't even have the courage to hope for the best. So now that I've taken the first steps into my life as just Rory, and changed my expectations of myself, I am going to keep going and change my expectations of others.
I'm going to expect good things, I'm not going to think the worst and brace for it like a tidal wave. I am going to hope for the best and try not to have many expectations. If I do I guess it's time I start asking so that I have a better idea what to expect. That way I'll know the answers and will stress less, but I'll also be giving others the chance to be themselves and accepting them as such and not putting all my negative emotions out there onto that relationship and ending it before it's even had a chance to be something great.
Note: It's interesting that I worried, when I wrote this, that GB would read it. It never occurred to me that CP would read it, but that is exactly what happened when this blog was discovered in 2007 by people in my family. It hurt them greatly, yet this is all part of the story. So in resurrecting this blog, this post has to go back up. I learned a lot from my affair. Was it my shining moment? No. Did it change me? Yes.
Monday, December 13, 2004
Any who, I discovered a new benefit .... are you ready, because I wasn't.
I'm actually getting along with my mother. Which considering our history and how insanely freaky she has been over the years, it is an amazing thing. My mother and I never really hit it off, I mean not even when I was a baby. I screamed and cried for months on end and never slept. I think perhaps it was because she smoked four packs of cigarettes a day the entire nine months she was pregnant with me, she just thought that I was a nasty little baby. I really just wanted a cigarette. If she'd stopped and given me a little puff, I most likely would have knocked off to sleep. :-)
Then she had my sister, after she quit smoking, I might add, and all was right with the world for my mother. She had her little, quiet, adorable baby and after my dad left when my sister was seven, she had her codependent, obsessive-compulsive daughter to lean on. They leaned on each other and I took care of them.
The way my mother and sister have always been around each other has pretty much made me sick. They fight, sling accusations at each other, ignore each other for weeks on end, then one of them plays the victim card and the crying begins. Eventually they make up and then do it all over again. I know this is the standard cycle of co-dependency and because I never played in that circle, I was always the odd girl out.
So over the years, my sister could get away with anything, say anything, be anything and my mom would ignore it all. But if I even thought about going to a party in high school, it was like my mom had some sort of telekinesis and I was busted, grounded and hated. The woman wrote the word "fuck" all over my pictures for just writing the word in my journal. My sister got pregnant at 16 years old and does my mom write all over my sister's pictures? Oh no. Does my mom get mad? Nope. My mom supports my sister, takes her to therapy and sits with her in the hospital when she had her baby. She was a great mom to my sister. My sister gave the baby up for adoption and years later blamed my mother for that, but you know. They're co-dependent! It's nuts.
OK, so over the years, my mom and I have never really had a good relationship. If I did anything great, my mom would downplay it and then have my sister do it and she did it greater, according to my mother. Yea, it was fun....read in the sarcasm there. I moved away from my mom as soon as I could when I graduated high school. When I lived states away from her, she only came to visit me 4 times in 7 years...and we only talked on the phone every once in a while. BTW, my sister lives states away now and my mom flies to see her four times a year.
One of the reasons I did not want to move back here to Oregon is because I didn't want to be around my mom again. I didn't want her influencing my kids, I didn't want her hovering over me telling me how much greater my sister's kids were. But I moved back and she did all the things I expected she would do. For a while.
But over the last six months or so, as I've come out of my "why does my husband love God more than me" fog and as I've managed to figure out a lot of things about me, I stopped reacting to my mother. I stopped caring that my sister did things better than I did. When my mom talked down to something I did, like getting my nose pierced, I ignored her and she just stared at me....much as my husband does, as if an alien has taken over my body and the Rory they used to watch dissolve into tears is gone. I can't tell if they miss the old Rory and ability I gave them to put me down, or if they are just surprised that the old tactics don't work anymore. I don't know if they hate the way I was or hate the way I am now.
Frankly my dear.....I don't give a damn.
Regardless, my mother and I are actually getting along. We went to lunch for my birthday and it was good. She helped me paint my house and we talked about a lot of unresolved issues from the past and worked a lot out, without an argument. She and I even went Christmas shopping the other day and had a good time.
I don't know if there is an absolute wrap up to this blog entry. I don't know if this will last with my mother. I just know it's good....for now. And that's what I've been trying to do more of lately, not focus on the destination, but enjoy the journey along the way to where ever the hell I'm going. And the journey with my mom, well....it isn't so bad anymore.
Note: While my mom and I have maintained a good relationship, my sister and I are still not well. She wrote a book and published it (within six months of learning about this blog, BTW), and her book was full of stuff that pissed me off to no end. I tried my best to keep our relationship going, but couldn't. I will write more about her book later, with excerpts, etc and explanations.
Friday, December 10, 2004
So birthdays....mine anyway, have never gone well in my house. CP has his own agenda for life and as long as he gets to do what he has planned, nothing else matters. So needless to say, in 15 years of marriage I haven't expected much. I used to, in the first few years, but that has changed over time. I am happy if my kids make me homemade birthday cards and my mom gets me a gift and gives me a hug. I've actually had birthdays come and go without a word from CP. So this year I was expecting nothing more. (BTW, Christmas goes much the same, as does Valentine's and our anniversary)
Now I'm not writing all this out for a pity me moment or anything, it's just my life and I've learned to adjust to it very well. I take the good moments of the day and forget about the bad ones and I've learned that lowering my expectations into the gutter is the best way to get through that "special day."
Yesterday morning, neither my kids, nor CP said anything to me in the way of birthday wishes. My kids because most likely, without their dad prompting them, they just don't remember. With CP, it's just not his style. At work I got lots of hugs and birthday wishes and even a song. And then I went to lunch with my mom and she got me a gift. As did my sister and her family.
When I got home my kids yelled "happy birthday!" as I walked in the door and CP had purchased dinner and dessert. So I didn't have to cook and we ate cake. There were also roses on the table.
So I sit here, wondering what my future holds for me, and I feel duplicitous. He talks about a future that I don't believe we're going to have together anymore. He turns on a dime and is pissed off at me and then switches back. And I'm in a place now where it doesn't bother me, but I'm also not in it for the long haul. Sundays are always difficult, because before church he's fine, but when he comes home he's pissed at me for no other reason than I don't go to Mormon church anymore.
And yet, he buys roses and buys dinner and I feel sad looking at him and trying to think positively about him and us, but somewhere the positive gets lost in the shuffle of emotions, because I know he and I are going to end.
He'll move on to a cute little Mormon girl and have a few more kids and I'll move on with my own life and make my own way.....and most likely never get married again. I want to be me....take time for me....and never be tied to a man by a piece of paper again. It's a cheap and easy piece of paper to get, but it costs a fortune in money and emotion to get out of.
So I'm 36, I'm lying to my husband, I want my own life and I want to pursue some of the dreams that I gave up to be married and be a mom. Am I a pretty normal 36 year old mother of three? I don't know...what defines normal anyway?
Note: I did eventually get remarried and he was remarried within a few months of our divorce, but not to a "cute little Mormon girl." He married someone who is a little older than him (I think)...and they haven't had any kids.
Monday, December 06, 2004
New house cleaned.....check.
Rental truck reserved.....check.
Help with the move.....check.
Boxes and furniture unloaded at the new house.....check.
Requisite number of items broken in the move....check. (my computer desk, the CD rack and a photo album dropped and pictures ruined)
Available to the outside world via our new phone number.....check.
Kids enrolled and started in new schools.....check.
Dog adjusting the new house.....check.
Fit thrown by husband.....check.
Fit ignored by me.....check. :-)
Medications required for my survival found in a box upon arrival.....NO.
So that was the fun part, besides stressing over the location of all my refrigerator magnets (crazy I know, but I have quite a collection), my medications disappeared in this move. I packed them late on the morning of the move, and put them safely in a box with the rest of the stuff from my dresser, thinking and planning on retrieving them as soon as we arrived. I have a cold so I'm on antibiotics and I needed them.
By Saturday night I was frantically unpacking everything and setting it around and by Sunday evening I resigned myself to the fact that they most likely "moved" home with someone else. We had a lot of help with the move and I really, really ..... really hate to lay the blame with the people who helped, but where else could they be?
I'm very careful with my meds and because of my migraines I have some extremely powerful pills and now they are all gone.
I called my doc and reported them missing, but I just don't know if he's going to feel comfortable refilling them for me. I mean, the antibiotic, no problemo, but the narcotics....um....not so much. And I was nervous to call.
So I'm back at work and I'm half unpacked and I hope to have my computer up and running tonight. Between that and the satellite dish and my fridge looking all decorated up, I'm sure it'll feel like home.....soon.
Saturday, November 27, 2004
The husband does a lot of work for a very wealthy man who owns and buys real estate all over the city. He bought a house that is zoned commercial and was previously used as a counseling clinic. He was going to let it sit vacant for two years and then bulldoze it down and build a commercial building. He asked us if we wanted to live there and not pay any rent for the two years he's waiting. In the words of Homer Simpson....doh! So it needed paint and some minor work done to remove the sterile signs of clinic-ness....and we are moving in next weekend.
I've been giving a lot of thought to whether or not I even wanted to move, because this would be a good time for me to make a break, but financially I'm not ready. It'll be a few more months before my commissions kick in at work to such a degree that I can count on the money every month and so I can't afford to live on my own.
But also, it's free....the house is free and that takes money stress of both the husband and I, so when I do move out and pay for a place, maybe....just maybe money won't be such a playing point in the eventual end.
So I don't know how much I'll be blogging for the next week. And once I move I won't have DSL for about another 10 days, though I will have access at work.
I'm also posting some pics from my Farscape convention. First we have MS, Claudia Black (Aeryn Sun on the show), AF, me and SS.
This one is of the ever-handsome Ben Browder and our group. Ben plays John Crichton, the star of Farscape.
This is a pic of me and Wayne Pygram, he plays Scorpius on the show.
Next we have a pic of my best friend, AF and I with Anthony Simcoe, who plays Ka D'Argo on Farscape.
And finally, my favorite, AF and I with David Franklin. David is hilarious and so cute. He plays Captain Braca.
I'm off in about a half hour to go dancing downtown. Have a great weekend everyone!
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
I wrote two and a half pages of a blog about the whole experience and stories from my past conventions, but then accidentally shut down too many windows and forgot to save any of the blog. That was last Tuesday evening. I meant to rewrite in Wednesday, but was too busy packing, etc. Then I meant to write while I was in Burbank, but never made any time.
I was too busy playing pool. :-)
So, here goes....
Every year for the last four years, I board a plane the week before Thanksgiving week and head to Burbank and the Hilton Hotel for the Annual Farscape Convention. I spend copious quantities of money, drink copious quantities of alcohol and play copious quantities of pool. What I don't get is copious quantities of sleep. In fact, very little sleep is to be had.
I go with a friend of mine who got me hooked on watching Farscape, AF, and we share a hotel room to cut costs and have tons of fun. We get to meet the stars of the show, get their autographs and have photos taken with them and then there are just the general parties and hanging out at the bar with the stars. Much fun.
Now telling you all this, you might be thinking of the typical Star Trek convention fan and all the fun that is made of them. You're probably thinking that I'm a geek. And you're right, I'm a geek to the core, however, I'm not you're typical Star Trek geek. Although, I can name the title of every Farscape episode, and every Buffy episode, ummmm....every X-Files episode (until season 7 when the show started to suck much ass) and every Roswell episode. Let's see, Lost, Angel, Alias.....OK.....so I am a complete geek. And when are they going to start having Lost fan conventions?
All geekiness aside, this is the best weekend I spend every year. I love going to Burbank, it is one giant party and because I've been four years in a row, it is like a high school reunion every year without the high school drama bullshit.
This year was awesome, but I don't have time to post much about it right now. I'm going to scan the pics of me with the Farscape stars and post them and babble some more about the convention.
Three things to remember.....from New Jersey, a condensed version of a great swear word...."bullsh." That's it. In a New York accent. From a complete hard-of-hearing moment I experienced...we have "fuckles." Like knuckles, but fuckles. And finally from DG in England we have "fuck this for a game of solitary." That's my favorite.
Monday, November 15, 2004
My youngest and my little Angel were playing on Friday and she took out a piece of his eye, but neglected to tell me until his eye went glassy and puffed up and oozed. By Sunday Angel would do nothing but lay under my bed and whine. He wouldn't go outside and he didn't venture out because he couldn't see anything. When he did try to round a corner he yelped and jumped back and ran under the bed because everything looked so different to him.
I took him to the vet this morning and left him there, so the doctor could take a look at him. He's missing part of his cornea and damaged his iris. So we have drops and creams to apply and he has to go back on Friday.
And he'll probably never see fully out of that eye again.
Bummer, I don't know who is more upset, my dog or my daughter.
Saturday, November 13, 2004
I hate the "what if...." game, but there are days I play it a lot. And because of this ep of Joan, I've been thinking about it a lot. So here I go.
What if....my dad hadn't left for coffee all those years ago and never come back.
We would have finished up our little family vacation and gone back home. Maybe my parents would have divorced anyway, but I probably would not have spent the next six years of my life without any contact from my dad.
What if....my mom had chosen to go to Oakland, CA and life with her parents after my dad left.
I would have grown up in the Bay Area, a place I greatly love, probably gone to Catholic school and not been white trash poor. I would have had help in taking care of my mom and sister, instead of doing everything myself.
What if....when I was 14 years old, I would have pushed to choose which parent I wanted to live with, instead of backing down and staying with my mother because she needed me.
I would have picked my dad and probably grown up in Oklahoma. I'd have a funky accent and might have even married a Hispanic chicken farmer (as all my step sisters did...weird, huh?) and I'd probably be living in a trailer home dreading every tornado that blows through.
What if....at 17 years old, I'd had the courage NOT to let my mom push me into dating this seemingly nice man who was 7 years older than I was.
Well, for starters, I wouldn't have had sex for the first time at 17 in the back of an El Camino....um, that's right an El Camino doesn't have a back seat. I probably wouldn't have had sex for the next year at least, because I wasn't into redneck Montana boys.
It gets complicated here.....because of this one "what if." If it had never happened, it would have changed my life. This seemingly nice man, he was awful and mean and he had this way of making me feel like it was all my fault. This is the man. I broke up with him, he followed me. I changed my phone number, he pounded on my apartment door. I moved, he woke up the whole building at 5 AM. He scared the shit out of me and in the end, hurt me terribly in every conceivable way.
I stopped dating, I stopped flirting, I stopped going out and seeing friends, and I got myself kicked out of a private Mormon school for drinking and having sex. Even though, I didn't want to have the sex. Isn't that great? I go to a Bishop and confess that some awful guy raped me....and I get kicked out of school and he becomes a Bishop himself.
What if....I'd never met him.
The possibilities are endless.
What if....after all this, as a single woman living on my own, I'd left the Mormon church back when I was 19. What if....I'd taken the years needed to recover from my ordeal instead of marrying the first guy who seemed OK with my fucked up life story.
I'd have never met my husband, and even if I had, he'd never have married me because I wasn't Mormon. I'd never have had my kids.
So I guess, over all, the course of my life was charted and had to be so, because in all honesty, I cannot imagine my life without my children. They keep me going, they make me laugh and because of them, I know I have a place in this world. So all the shit, being what it was, was worth it, because I have my kids.
I have one more that I've been thinking of since yesterday morning.
What if....I hadn't sat down at that corner bar stool in Burbank, CA almost one year ago and started talking to, and flirting with, GB.
Would I have even met him? Probably, because I think no matter where I was sitting with my group of girlfriends, he would have at least taken some time to talk to me....because he is that kind of person. But would everything else have happened? Would the last year of my life have been so crazy. Would have I have done all the things I did? Would I have just met some other guy along the way? Was I looking for that in my life right then because of where I was with my marriage to CP? There is no telling. Many questions, without a lot of answers.
But again, this is something I wouldn't change. It was scary and sad and exhilarating all at the same time, and ultimately, it was the catalyst that got me blogging. And I'm pretty sure that without this outlet for all my feelings and thoughts, I would never be at the place I am right now.
Which is such a good place for me to be....right now.
Friday, November 12, 2004
I really appreciate your comments on this blog. For a couple of reasons, the first is that you, in a way, have helped me understand that not all Mormons are judgmental, holier-than-thou people. You found my blog, commented with your true opinions and feelings without telling me I am a piece of shit for standing against the church. I am "told" that enough already, and don't need to keep hearing it, so thanks for that.
Second, you stood, and continue to stand your ground. Even against Pops....you believe what you believe, you live by it and are thankful for it. You try to help, not only within the bounds of your own religious beliefs (i.e., suggesting Pres. Hinckley’s article) but also by stepping outside the Mormon box and understand that I'm looking at things from another angle. And you worked with that.
Finally, you said:
For being an "ex-mormon," I've heard you agree with the church teachings a whole lot.
Oh, Kevin, now there is a can of worms. I left because, at a time in my life, I put God to the test. I needed Him, the comfort, whatever....and I didn't think I got it. I did, at the time, but was too mired in my own personal shit to understand it. I was angry with God and stopped going to church. I always told myself that I'd figure it out someday and go back. But when I did think about going back, I got this sick, queasy feeling and couldn't stand to think about it. It got easier over the years to just not think about it.
Then, wouldn't you know it, my husband needed to be a Mormon again....and it was time for me to think about it all whether I wanted to or not. I thought about God and life, and where I was going in my life, the things going on just then, which were many and crazy and way outside my normal life experience. I realized that God doesn't want or need me to be Mormon. I don't have to be a Mormon to be saved or go to Heaven. If I do my best, live my life, take care of my kids and love my neighbor, etc....His grace will be there in the end and that was it....for me.
My life previous to leaving the church was all about seeking perfection. I was trying to be all things to all people, no one more than CP. Without that weight on my shoulders, that drive to be perfect, well, it was life-changing. I am ME. I'm doing my best and that is what matters. If I screw it all up, it all rests on me and if I succeed, well....damn that is all me too. There is such a greatness in just knowing that.
So when I put Got to the test all those years ago, in a way, I got my answer. To just be myself, love myself and do the best I can. It just took me almost seven years and a major kick in the ass to figure it out.
Then again, I never did find out specifically why you left the church.
And for the record, you know....I've been thinking a lot about it lately. I could go back to the Mormon church. I could go to the fun meetings, the church stuff, pray maybe, etc. But they'd have to accept me just as I am now. I love to dance, I party my fair share almost every weekend. I have my nose pierced and three tattoos with at least four more planned. I don't like wearing dresses, unless it's a miniskirt, and will never put on garments or go to the temple ever again, because I don't believe that is the only way to heaven. If the people there would just accept ME, for who I am right now, without any desire for me to change or be what they want me to be. I could go back. But I'm pretty sure they won't accept and that is why I don't go back. I do however, go on occasion to another church, where they do seem accepting of me and are pretty much just happy that I'm there.
Oh, and I don't have to wear a dress there either. :-)
So to wrap this up, for what it's worth, I'm glad you were here on my blog, I'm happy you commented and I'm pleased to have known you.
Good luck on your mission and who knows, maybe in two years, when you get back, you can look me up. I'll probably still be here.
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
It has been a busy time here at Chez Kearn. Both of my husband's trucks has mechanical issues last week and he had to get one of them running, the other is still sitting in the driveway. The one sitting is his main vehicle, so he's considering buying something newer, that he doesn't have to put as much time and money into. My car was broken into over the weekend in downtown Portland and the dash was all ripped up. They stole my stereo and a bunch of other things and broke a window to get in. It's currently at the auto body shop and I'm driving a rental.
Computer Blog -
The kids computer died, and I wanted to say thanks to everyone who posted about that. I'm pretty sure the hard drives are fine, it was the power source and motherboard that died. And to be honest, it was old, old, old. So it didn't bother me to let it go. I have someone coming over today to take the old CPU and cable it up and dump all our personal stuff onto discs for me. Which is good. We bought a new computer this weekend and have it all set up and working, networking and once again, playing games.
I tell you, there is nothing like destroying your kids in a computer game. :-) Or being destroyed. Now that our two computers are talking so wonderfully, we are chomping at the bit to get more computer games to play, like Half-life and Quake.
Work Blog -
I began my new job in earnest last Friday. I've been unemployed for so long that it's been difficult for me to get back into the swing of working and then coming home and finding the energy to cook and clean. My house is a mess and I'm still catching up on all the television shows I Tivo-ed. But the job is good, I'm learning a lot, organizing the office and files and getting the swing of it. I'm working from home today, so that I can catch up on home stuff and take care of my car issues.
Religious Blog -
Oh, and also, I realized something. The Bishop called me last week and told me that he'd read my letter to him over and over again. He said he's had many people tell him off and call him all kinds of names and he never takes it personally, but my letter hurt him more than anything else in his "Bishop" career.
Yikes, so I have the singular distinction of hurting him more than anyone else. Not something I'm proud of. I apologized to him, as I didn't mean to hurt him personally. But I learned something. He genuinely was trying to help me. He genuinely doesn't agree with many of the things my husband is doing and he's hurt by my letter yes, but hurt more by the knowledge that his efforts with regards to my husband were for naught.
And then I put it together. I didn't overestimate the Bishop’s ability to help, I underestimated my husband's narrow vision of his interpretation of his religion. It's not so much that he's a member of the Mormon church, as he's created a church of his own, based on Mormon dogma. He's not picked a path to travel on, as much as he's picked a spot to stand in. Brick by brick he takes his beliefs and builds a fortress around himself and now he's stuck and can't move. He's still of the mindset that doing anything with me is compromising his beliefs, and why wouldn't he feel that way. Doing anything with me is akin to tearing down some of that fortress and stepping outside. How scary that must be for him. How lonely.
And this is where what Kevin (now Pillsbury) said weeks ago in my blog comes in. Pillsbury suggested that my husband and I read an article by the Mormon church president. I heard about the talk and I read the transcript of it. I know my husband heard it because he watched the General Conference when it was given. But you see, with his singular mindset, he is incapable of understanding the talk for what it is. To love me and respect me, goes against his personal views. For example, the church president said:
There is no other arrangement that meets the divine purposes of the Almighty. Man and woman are His creations. Their duality is His design. Their complementary relationships and functions are fundamental to His purposes. One is incomplete without the other.
Complementary relationships, duality, being God's creations....all things I believe in, but you see, I'm not a Mormon anymore, so in my husband's eyes, this does not apply to me or our relationship. That is the core of our issues. Do I have to be Mormon to complement him? I don't believe so, but he does. So I appreciate the thought, Pillsbury, and I too, thought the talk might help, but at this point nothing can.
And oddly enough, I've never felt happier and more content with myself and my path. Mostly because I know there isn't anything I'm doing wrong or could be doing better for him. I can't change to make him happy, if he wants happiness, change has to come from within him. My whole life, I thought changing for others would help them and me. I'm so happy I was wrong about that.
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
While powered up, Buffy enjoyed taking video clips with her connected VCR. She liked playing music and games, especially Warcraft, Diablo and Age of Empires. She was immensely popular with the Kearn family for her love of The Sims, and proudly carried the original Sims disc on her C drive as well as every expansion pack available. Her Sims rocked and rolled and dated and cast Wicca spells.
More than just a computer, Buffy was adept at dial-up and had Ethernet capabilities, which the Kearn family made use of in late 2001. Later in her life, she was connected to a router and networked to the Kearn's newest computer, Spike. Buffy and Spike shared many photos and music files and enjoyed surfing the web at the same time.
In her last days, the Kearn children used Buffy to visit many unsavory websites, like www.lyrics007.com, www.funnyjunk.com and www.celebritypics.com and began infecting Buffy with spy ware and tenacious executable files that over wrote her Internet Explorer browser and began to slow her down considerably. Ever the optimist, Buffy continued to surf the web using the new FireFox browser, but alas, that was soon to be over written by spy ware. Her last day was spent trying to delete the spy ware files and using Netscape Navigator until it too succumbed to the hijacking spy ware.
It was not just the spy ware that slowed her power source, Buffy was whirring like a helicopter when she was first turned on and made funny little chirping noises. She let everyone know of her discomfort when she would abruptly open her CD drawer and slide out the empty CD tray with no provocation. She also needed to be rebooted at least 10 times a day.
She was a wonderful computer, she cost a bundle and she knew it. She was born with Windows ME, however, and knew she was disadvantaged from the start. That didn't stop her from living a full and happy life. She died abruptly while burning a backup CD trying desperately to get all the Kearn family personal information off her hard drives. She will be sorely missed, as will the data she harbored.
She is survived by the Kearn family and her "brother" on the network, Spike. Cremation is being considered, but a hammer just might do the job. In lieu of gifts and flowers, donations are welcome. The Kearn children are without a computer and eager to check their email.
Monday, November 01, 2004
All this is great.....and while I could take it as a "toot my own horn" sort of thing. The Bish did say one other thing. He said that in all honesty he doesn't think my marriage will work out in the long run if my husband doesn't let up on his hard-core believes and learn to compromise and love unconditionally. (Hard-core was my choice of words)
And he's right.
The great place that I came too last month, that my worth is not wrapped up in whether or not my husband loves me, that place is still there and I still exist in it. I love it, to be honest with you. It's lifted 1000 pounds of weight off my shoulders. I know it was never about him loving me, he just needed a girl to make some babies with so that God would be happy.
It's a shame that there was no best friend or confidante or even a mom who gave a good God damn about my life to maybe pull me back from my engagement 15 years ago and tell me that something wasn't right. But I can't change the past, if I did I wouldn't have my kids....and besides I don't like thinking about applying quantum theory to my life....I mean look how it messed up Commander Riker on Star Trek.
The fact remains that I did get married and to someone I wasn't suited to. I'm a hopeless romantic and a dreamer, he's pragmatic and tepid. But we made our life and we did it together and we just have to trudge through.
I get the feeling that he doesn't want to trudge through anymore, but he's so wrapped up in doing what God wants and the outward appearance of being a true blue Mormon (TBM) that he won't file for divorce. He doesn't want anyone to think poorly of him. I get the feeling that the niceness is for show and we can get through some days in relative ease and then it's all about how I don't do enough housework or I suck because I order take out on ballet night or I suck even more because I had to spend $100 on a network firewall to keep the hackers out of my kids' computer.
He says these things with a venom that is meant to sting and would have even two months ago. I would have wanted to bolt out the damn door with no money and no where to take my kids, but now, I know it isn't me. He wants me gone....yes, but when I do leave, and I will when I can offer my kids a stable, financial life with me in a nice place to live ( and I have the money to fight in court) .... and he marries that 30+ divorced, Mormon single mother, who looks great in an ankle length flowered dress, I know that he won't be marrying her because he loves her so deeply that he can't imagine spending another day of his life, or heaven forbid, the eternities without her. He's only going to marry her to, once again, fulfill God's greater plan.
I thought he loved me so much that he would never want to live without me as his wife. I was mistaken, but I labored under that assumption for almost 15 and a half years. And now that I know what I know, that he could live without me starting tomorrow and never look back, I don't hurt. I don't fret. It's so weird, and nothing like I ever thought I'd feel, but there it is.
Now onto life happenings in the last almost week since I last wrote.
- I've been trying to work....trying being the operative word.
- I went out dancing Saturday night at two different clubs and met two very nice boys, one at each, and had me some great fun kissin' on boys.
- My great friend, TP, who I was out with on Saturday (him and bunch of others, including his wife) told me he misses my husband's friendship. Told me he loves him like a brother, but no matter what happens, he loves me, too. It was great....and the ensuing hug ended in teary eyes. And this was at 4 AM in a crowded, smoky dance club.
- I hooked up a wireless, firewall router and all is well, except my daughter and I STILL cannot play Age of Empires on the network. Dammit, Dammit, Dammit.
- I started reading Under the Banner of Heaven by Jon Krakauer and can't seem to put it down. What an incredible book!
I'm now going to to go watch, Extreme Makeover: Home Edition - How'd They Do That?
Thanks for reading everyone.
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
That and put together another music video. The creative spurt hit me and it all came together nicely.
So, first of all, Rory Kearn.....not my real name. The picture is really me, but that is easily changed. I've tried to keep names in initials and not be too specific about anything. But I'll have to re-read.
Second, my husband is entirely computer illiterate. He has one email address, a Yahoo one and he doesn't know how to get the email. I check it for him once a week. We have only two TVs in our house, he hates the television, DVDs, CDs, the computers, video games, etc. He hates all technology and would probably relish the life of Grizzly Adams. Since a remote control is not that hard to learn how to use, he watches television. But he does not use the computer, not even for billing or managing his checkbook. So you can imagine the steam shooting out of his ears when I come home from Best Buy with new CDs or DVDs. He hates that too.
Maybe I put too much stock in his computer deficiency, but he rarely goes online...and even then it is only to look at the latest camouflage wallet for sale at Cabelas.com. He doesn't know what a blog is. That is not to say that someday he couldn't hire a quick-witted attorney who would find me. So again, I'm giving the thought of retooling this blog serious time.
Beyond that, I have my own computer that is locked down. I don't think he could get in if he tried.
He thinks almost everything I do online is silly.
- I make websites....they are stupid and cost money, but don't make any.
- I make music videos....the hardware was spendy and I take clips from video tapes of TV shows and put them to music to tell a story within a story. It doesn't make any money and takes up my time.
- I post on forum boards for my favorite TV shows and read up on all the spoilers. TV shows are stupid and they take up my time.
- Etc, ad naseum.
I must have had my bitch flakes for breakfast, because really, he's been nice lately. I just realized in writing this post, that he doesn't think much of some of my greatest guilty pleasures in life.
(Note: As I put this blog back together, my ex-husband did find this blog...after we were divorced. It caused a lot, and I do mean A LOT of problems. Lesson learned? Yes.)
Monday, October 25, 2004
There was also a part of me that was hoping one or two people might stumble upon it and comment. I wanted to know if I was really crazy. If how I was feeling about my husband and the Mormon church was way off-base or if I was actually thinking clearly. Because when I try and talk to my husband about anything of a religious nature, I end up feeling completely insane.
In making my way out of the Mormon church I had a friend recommend a few places online to go, the main one being www.exmormon.org. I went there and was shocked and happy, and terribly sad, to discover so many others felt like I did about the church and struggled in their relationships. I didn't post much there, just read a lot. I also went to a women's ex-Mormon retreat this summer close to my home. That was one of the best things I did, because at the time I was considering some very scary stuff.
You see, being raised a Mormon and believing it with all my heart, I was feeling that if I couldn't be a Mormon mother to my kids, then I shouldn't really be their mother at all and this summer I was debating whether or not to leave them with my husband so that they could be raised without my "evil" influence. I didn't think of myself as evil, per se, but knew my husband was upset with my influence on them and I didn't want to make things worse for them. Somehow in my mind, I rationalized that if I left them to their father, I would be doing them a favor. I believed that in the end they would understand why I did what I did.
But at the retreat this summer, I met a woman who left her seven kids for the same reason. And it devastated her and her relationship, years later, with all her children, was strained. I also discovered that every ex-mo woman at that retreat had felt the very same way I did, at one time in their life, as they left the church. That is when I realized, fully, what power religion in general, and the Mormon church in specific, has on people. We are taught that it's the only way, the one true church and during our exit from it, think we are somehow less. And being "less than" adequate in the eyes of other Mormons, our families, and most importantly to God, we begin to believe that leaving those we love will somehow save them. It takes a while to get past that and discover that by staying and continuing to love those in our lives, regardless of their religious convictions, we grow out of the Mormon mindset.
The reason I write all this is that I never intended for this blog to be about my journey out of the Mormon church. I just wanted a place to work through what was in my heart. And again, I didn't think anyone would read it. But people have and are reading it. More than I ever thought. And as I look around I find my blogged linked to others as "Ex-Mormon Mother," etc, and I find myself debating church dogma with others, whether Mormon or not or ex-Mormon. I'm worried that all this discussion bores those who read my blog on a regular basis who are not religious and yet, at the same time, I'm finding that most of my brain-power is still spent on getting out of the Mormon mindset. Maybe it's because I live with a Mormon and see it's effects so profoundly. Maybe it's because I realize that my actions and words greatly affect my children and how they are seeing the church. And I wonder how long I will be on this path out of the church.
In a nutshell, I'm wondering what defines me right now. Is "Ex-Mormon Mother" the best definition? I don't know. As Pops said, I'm not just a mom with a pink-themed blog who waxes poetic about her children, yet this blog isn't entirely ex-Mormon based. But lately that is the bulk of it. And I'm struck by how many people have contacted me. Hearing from so many, many ex-mo's has been incredible. For years, I felt alone. I thought I was the only one struggling with issues of God, worth and marital inequality. I thought I was the only one who felt weird in the temple and questioned so much of the Mormon doctrine. In a way, it's comforting to know that there are so many people out there who feel as I do. I mean, who wants to be alone.
But beyond the Mormon issue, I'm just a woman struggling with my own personal issues, personal to me, but not unique to me. Not really. Everyone is going through something. Everyone has challenges and everyone feels, at some time or another, like they are just trudging through life. I used to say "why me" over and over and look around at others seemingly blissful life and wish my problems would just go away. But don't we all do that? Life is not blissful for anyone, not completely. There are moments of bliss. Moments of true happiness and those moments are what keep us going through the rest of the drudgery. Life is difficult for everyone at some time or another. Because that is the nature of life. It is to be endured for the most part and that makes us what we are as humans.
I'm speaking in the "we" here because it is what I truly believe. If I'm wrong then let me know. If you're out there and you're reading this and you're life has been nothing but joy and roses and sunshine and laughter, please let me know. It would give me more hope.
My life and my struggles make me who I am. Being an "Ex-Mormon Mother" helps to shape who I am today. Growing up without a father, being left on a vacation in small-town Montana, makes me who I am. Working from the time I was nine-years-old and worrying about money from such a young age, help shape how I run a house, my work ethic and my ability to pay bills today. Would I do the same things now if I hadn't grown up that way? Would I be the same mother I am today, if I hadn't struggled through my relationship with my own mother? Being raped at nineteen (a story I have not told yet) shaped so much about me, how I relate to my husband, other men and how I feel about my sexuality. All of these things and so many more tiny, mundane things are why I am the person I am.
My first official online blog was about these very things. The things that make me who I am. The influences on my life that have shaped the woman I am today. There will be so much more and I will continue to change. Maybe, because of this epiphany, I won't cry "why me," and I can trudge through my future challenges knowing that they are not unique to me, just my personal issues.
The thing about epiphanies though, they don't last. They change me and I learn from them, but in the moment, when life really sucks much ass, I forget. And when that car pulls in front of me recklessly on the freeway, I'll probably still wonder why that happened to me and flip them off.
So to cap this blog entry off - thank you to everyone who has commented. You've posted much and I want to respond and will.
Friday, October 22, 2004
I've really missed being able to post here, in fact, I've missed a lot of things, like reading and watching TV and working.
Since I can't write much, I thought I'd post a picture from our trip, the one picture was I was able to scan and edit before my brain stopped working. It's of all of us on Splash Mountain. The husband, me and my kids. Enjoy!
I hope to be back in a day or two.
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
The last time I was at Disneyland was about four years ago. I was 31 and it was my first time. I was working at a convention for the company I worked for and my husband flew down and we got a half day at the park by ourselves. We had a good time, but spent the entire visit saying how we knew the kids would love the rides. And now we get to see them enjoy it all. It's been great.
For the most part, we get to the park, run and get a fast pass and then split up. My oldest kids and their cousins run all over and then we meet up for our fast passes and split up again. I've never text messaged so much in my life.
I've also never waited in lines for so long in my life, except maybe at college when I was trying to process my financial aid. :)
What Disneyland/California Adventure is all about is fun and spending tons of money. The food is crazy priced and all the pictures you can buy and the souvenirs. We bought clam chowder for six people and felt like we'd been violated. So lately we've been running from the park down the block to buy Subway or Chinese food and then catch the shuttle back to the hotel to eat dinner.
All that aside, we have wonderfully hilarious pictures of us on Splash Mountain, Tower of Terror and the roller coaster. And we had one of the park photographers take a family picture of all of us. I'll scan and post them when I get back.
I have to say that the Tower of Terror is my favorite ride so far. I was so nervous going in there and freaked out with all the ups and downs, but everyone was laughing at me, and I couldn't help but cry...oops, I mean, laugh. And scream.
I've been wanting to get my kids to Disneyland for years....and we're here and it's beyond great.
Sunday, October 10, 2004
I've been busy trying to get everyone ready to go to Disneyland. We leave first thing tomorrow. Friday, I had to run lots of errands to distribute the last of my Farscape goodies to promote the miniseries next Sunday. I had lunch with my mom. Met with the guy I'm doing web design for and then went up to a mall to meet with some others in the local Farscape group to go to 105.1 "The Buzz" radio for a contest.
That last thing, I shouldn't have done. First of all, the girl who planned the whole thing, SS, she was supposed to meet me with almost everything already put together, all I had to provide was the basket. But I get there and she had mountains of paper and candy and just tons of other shit. We couldn't find a table at the coffee shop, so we went to my car. But I had to pee. So I went back to the coffee shop and thought that by the time I got back they would have everything sorted out and almost all put together. And frankly, it wasn't my idea, I didn't enter the contest, I just offered to provide a basket and drive us to the radio station. So I didn't really want to do much.
So I got back from the bathroom and SS and her mother HS have shit spread all over my car. SS is cutting all kinds of stuff out…using little kids scissors. She had pages and pages to cut. After 20 minutes we only had one gift basket ready to go. ONE. I was pretty pissed off and decided to run across the street, literally run on foot, to the Dollar Store to buy more scissors. Because the girl needed help.
I did and we finished the rest in about a half hour, drove to the station and even though it was after-hours, they let us in. We took plenty of pictures and spent some time in the studio listening to the DJs do the show. It was great.
SS better win that damn contest.
I went out dancing on Friday night. Oh, that is always fun.
And since the fun of Friday night, I've spent almost every minute getting us all ready to go. We're flying, which is a new and exciting collective family event. So I'm packing, cleaning and hoping for the best. Like our luggage to not get left in Reno when we change planes.
My kids are on a rant to get MP3 players before we go. Um, yea, it's 7 PM on a Sunday night and we leave tomorrow, so that is not going to happen. Pretty much, they've been running around taking heavy sighs and crossing their arms and staring at me. :-) They are trying to guilt me into running out tonight and buying them the players....and they are barking up the wrong tree. But by tomorrow night, they'll be in Disneyland, running around, riding all the rides they've heard about and eating cotton candy and maybe churros (sp?).
Oh the bliss.
And yes, if anyone is wondering....my husband is going. I don't know if he's excited about it and I don't really care. At the very least, I hope he's looking forward to spending the time with his kids and finding joy in their joy. That's why I'm going. Well, that and to play on Main Street Disney (the adult Disneyland). My husband told me that he's deciding right now if being with me is "worth it" to him and he's also discussed it with his Mormon Bishop. So I'm sure that was a great conversation.
At this point, I'm not worried or upset. It would be a relief to have it all over with, but I'm secure in knowing that I can't go anymore than I'm already doing. I could do a lot less, but that wouldn't help. I'm me....and if I'm not worth it to him....oh well.
OK, so now, I'm off. I won't be posting again until next Saturday, unless I find a cute guy with a laptop.
Thursday, October 07, 2004
I've never done this before, and technically, I invited it, so I wanted to reply to something Kevin said in a comment to my blog on Saturday, September 18, "A Saturday night alone with my thoughts."
I first met Kevin on Saturday, September 9, "The Summer of my fourteeth year, " and he said he wanted to comment on some things but needed sleep. I told him I would be happy to hear from him.
I don't know who Kevin is. I don't know if he really does live in Oregon. For all I know he could know my husband or someone who knows my husband. The one thing I'm almost certain of is that Kevin is a Mormon. I gathered that from the "buzz words" in his post, words like "one true church" and "testimony" and "agency." Yes, many people in many churches use these words, but it was also the way he wrote things. Like telling me that if I respect my husbands good example, I will be more inclined to believe my husband's church is true.
I appreciate the sentiment with which Kevin wrote, and I respect that he has found a religion he feels strongly about. I also respect that he didn't tell me I was wrong to believe what I do, but he did come pretty damn close to saying that if I followed God, I would be happy.
He wrote - As we get closer to harmony with what God wants, we find happiness.
Thereby implying that I'm not going to be truly happy unless I turn to God. As many of you know, that tends to piss me off.
Why is that fervently religious people think a person can't be happy unless they are sitting in a pew at church singing songs and praising God? I hated church and was bored out of my mind with the droning songs and lengthy talks. I am happy now. I can spend my Sunday how I want to. I think about God a lot. I contemplate nature and life and where I'm going. But now because I'm unconstrained by a dogma telling me what will happen when I die and how to live my life now, I'm happy because I know that I can believe what I believe and I know that no matter what - God loves me, and I believe God loves everyone. This is am important step for me, because for years, I didn't believe God loved anyone. I thought life was one big joke. After spending years as a Mormon feeling terribly flawed and unlovable, I have never been happier than I am now.
So now, Kevin, while I appreciate your sentiment and did say in my first post that I will respect anyone's point of view, I've lived with my husband for 15 years. He doesn't do much of anything out of pure love. He doesn't care if his family his happy, he only wants to control us. If he chose to love us no matter our religious preference, I have no problem with that. But he's actually come out and said he's "given up" on us because we're not Mormon.
You said - I believe that your husband does love you.
I wrote about this in my previous post, there may be some degree of love there that he feels for me, but he does not *love* me. He could easily walk away tomorrow if he thought it was what God or his church wanted him to do (and I'm not guessing here, he told me this). He's only married because he believes it is what his church wants him to be, and again this is why he's a father. If he loved me and our kids, truly, he would be happy just knowing that we are a part of his life and he would want us to be a part of his life, instead, he's convinced himself that we aren't worthy of him or his life because we aren't Mormon. That is not love, that is judgment.
You said - I believe that because he loves you, he wants the best of everything for you.
He thinks the best for me is to be a Mormon and he only wants that from/of me.
You said - I believe that he has found what he believes to be the true church of God, and knows that by making that church a central part of his life, he will choose the best path for him.
Agreed. But then you said -
I believe that, more than anything in the world, he wants to share that path with you.
Kevin, you talk about a path that my husband has chosen. You're exactly right, and yes, he wants me on it with him. But if I'm not, he doesn't want to chose a path that involves me. He wants it his way and his way only. I'm not asking him to compromise his beliefs, I'm not asking him not go to church. But shouldn't devotion to God foster unconditional love of his family. He only wants to be on his path and he only feels like I'm worthy is if I'm on that path with him.. That is not love....again that is judgment.
You said - I believe that when he sees that you don't want that path, it is extremely discouraging to him. He feels alone, begins to lose sight of hope, and would do anything to have his family on this path with him, that he knows is so good. That way, each person can lift and help each other, instead of each pulling in his/her own direction.
Are you implying that we can only lift each other up if we are Mormon, or as you said "on his path?" What is wrong with my direction or my daughter"s? And what is wrong with each of us, as individuals, deciding how we want to live our lives and doing that to the best of our ability and still loving each other? Do we all have to be going in the same direction? His direction?
You said - I believe that his efforts to force the family onto his path become mistakes and ultimately harm them, even though his intentions are pure. All he can do is invite them and love them, and as he becomes a good example for them, they are more inclined to believe him.
I agree with the first part and if CP was being a good example, I would agree with the second. He is not being a good example of the Mormon faith, or any other, for that matter. He is being a tyrant and trying to brow beat us all into believing him. You speak of "agency" and he is not allowing that. If he was, he would respect that I don't believe in the Mormon church any longer.
You said - I believe the family has to sincerely consider the path he is on, and then choose for themselves, according to the truth they find, whether or not to join him on that path.
And again, I agree. If you've read my blog, you know I've seriously considered his path. I was raised Mormon, I believed it for all I was worth. I built my life around it. But I also asked questions, I wanted to know more and I wanted to understand. Honestly, I think leaving the church was the only course my actions could have led to. I left because I learned the truth. There is a God, and he loves us, but there is not "one true church" on earth. Every church is true to a degree. Every church seeks closeness to God. Joseph Smith (founder of the Mormon church) was a just a man who wanted to believe in something, and rather than join another church, he started his own. Martin Luther did that inadvertently. It doesn't make either church absolutely true or absolutely false. They were just men, with great ideas, they loved their fellow men, they loved God and they were charismatic enough to gather followers.
So I asked questions and gained answers and I've chosen not to follow my husband on his path. It doesn't make me right or wrong. I chose for myself and whether he likes it or not, at the very least he should respect my decision. As I respect his.
You said - I believe that a person's choice of religion should be based on their understanding and testimony of their God, and disregard the imperfection of others who follow that religion. We all make mistakes.
I agree, in part. My husband is not disregarding my imperfections. He is judging me because I'm not a Mormon. And in truth, I think, that the way to harmony is to disregard the imperfections of everyone, whether they follow my husband's religion, your religion, their own or none at all. Because we do all make mistakes.
You said - Church is for sinners, and if everyone's sins were to show like a cigarette in mouth, a tattoo or a piercing, things would be different. We go to church because we have a desire to be better. We want to follow the path that our God wants us to follow. As we get closer to harmony with what God wants, we find happiness.
I don't go to church because I want to be happy. First of all, I don't believe in good or bad people, we are all just people who do good and bad things. No one can be a *better* human being that anyone else, because we were all made in God's image. I can try my best to be the best person I can be, but I can't be any better than anyone else.
I don't go to church because I don't want to be confined by one dogma. I want to learn as much as I can about everything. And I truly believe that I am following the path that God wants me to follow, right now. I believe He knows that I'm doing my best.
You said - I understand that you have the right to think whatever you want about my beliefs. Whatever you think about them, please know that the last thing I want is to offend you. I hope I put my thoughts into understandable words, and that you take them into consideration.
I do, you didn't and I did. I hope I did not offend in my reply.
Monday, October 04, 2004
I'm writing this, because at this point, I'm too disappointed in you to come in and see you. You've supposedly been trying to help out my husband and I, however, after last night and something CP said to me, I think you have been playing me. What I don't know is why, but that doesn't really matter to me anymore.
CP has made it abundantly clear in the last 10 months of his life that he wants a Mormon wife. He's made it clear that he loves God much more than he loves me. He's also made it clear that he's extremely devastated that I didn't go back to church and he's told me our marriage is not that important to him. He actually used hand gestures to indicate that God's important is huge to him and his marriage to me means about the distance ofan inch between his thumb and finger.
Even though I've heard over and over again how CP loves God more and wants a 100% Mormon life and I don't fit into that, I've continually tried to fit into whatever space/time was left in his life for me. For three months, I've made a fool of myself and asked him to go out with me on Friday night. For months, I've been throwing out ideas on how he and I could try to enjoy each other's company and rebuild our marriage. It was a waste of my time, because he loves God and told me last night that he doesn'twant anything to do with my "worldly" life.
That is when I realized that through the 15 years of our marriage, as I wondered why CP always had church or martial arts or something else to occupy his time and fascination, he's never really loved me. I was a means to an eternal end. I wondered why he didn't want to spend much time with me. I thought it was because I was unlovable. I thought I wasn't reaching hard enough for perfection. I thought I wasn't good enough. But now I see that it was never about me and it never had anything to do with love. CP married me because I am/was
a.) a girlHe didn't marry me because he loved me and wanted to be with me. He did it to fulfill God's plan of marrying and propagating the Earth. I just happened to be the girl he picked.
b.) a Mormon and
c.) I just happened to be in his line of sight at a church dance
My main disappointment with the church came as I tried so hard to get CP to love me and stop swearing at me and calling me names, and I talked to Bishop after Bishop, not tattling on CP , but instead, blaming myself and my actions for driving my husband away. I begged for support and some idea of what to do to make my marriage better so that I wouldn't be such a terrible wife and so that he would love me. All I got was to honor my "good husband's priesthood" and "read the scriptures" and "pray" and everything would be fine. I did all those things in excess and it didn't stop CP from calling me every name in the book. Him calling me every name in the book also didn't stop me from trying harder, because I'd mistakenly wrapped up my worthiness in whether or not he loved me.
And that is where you come in. Because you gave my husband just the fodder he needed to buoy him through all that is going on with us. Weeks ago when he came to church by himself and left the kids and I at home crying and I called you. Do you remember that? I asked you to tell him that we loved him and we were worried about him and that we didn't think poorly of him. Do you remember that? What you told him instead was that you don't think I really love him. CP told me your exact words were "It seems like she doesn't really love you." Thank you very much. I don't know how you got from what I said to what you told CP , but he believes everything God, prophets and bishops say. And I mean EVERYTHING. So regardless of how many times I tell CP I love him, he now only believes what you said. He thinks it was divinely inspired. He thinks I am lying to him.
And that is why I won't be coming into see you anymore. It is also why I won't be going to therapy anymore. It is why JP, my daughter, won't be coming into see you anymore and she will not be starting therapy. CP does not listen to us, nor does he respect any of us. He now looks at his family as some worldly castoffs to be tolerated until he's dead or we leave him. He told me that he's "given up" on the children. He isn't having family prayer or family home evening, in fact, he's not really into doing anything with his "family" because we let him down. He's angry at himself for becoming inactive years ago because if he hadn't then he would still have his Mormon family. And we aren't worth it to him anymore and the only way we would be worth it to him is if we are sitting next to him at church and loving the Mormon church as much as he does. Is thatreally love? I don't think so.
As an example, we went on a vacation in late August, but we had to leave early on Sunday morning so that CP could be at church. But he's going hunting next weekend and was planning on missing church, if necessary, to kill Bambi. I asked him to explain and he did. He said that he thought God would understand him missing one Sunday of church in a year for him to hunt. He said that given the choice between hunting on a Sunday or spending it on a vacation with his family, he chose hunting. He said specifically that he didn't want to give us a Sunday. I think it's because we aren't worth it to him.We aren't the family he wants anymore, we are too worldly.
There is a term for his behavior and though I don't read scriptures anymore, I got them out and refreshed my memory. It's called "unrighteous dominion" and that is what CP is exercising here. (Unrighteous dominion is from the Mormon scriptures, called the "Doctrine and Convenants." They were/are a series of revelations to Mormon prophets, started by Joseph Smith) What gives a mere man the right to judge his family as unworthy? How can he say that we aren't worth it and write us off because we aren't active Mormons? Because that is how my husband feels about us. Are we not human beings, made in God's image? Does God not love my kids and I unconditionally? Does the Mormon church now teach that unless one is active in the church they are not to be loved and cared for? Did my husband somehow become a God with the power to judge?
More important, do you care about that at all and are you going to do anything about it? If my husband is the epitome of what kind of men you promote to callings within your church, then I am so glad I'm not a part of it anymore. I lived with the hypocrisy of his life for years, but at least now I don't go in and lie to a Bishop about it and lie to my "friends" in Relief Society about it. At least now I don't blame him swearing at me on myunworthiness. He's just an asshole.
To be honest, I detest the Mormon church and all it stands for. I detest what it taught me and continues to teach young women. Mormon women cannot get into heaven on their own, they need a man and a special name to get in. Why? Because they aren't worthy on their own. Mormon women are considered nothing but breeders, we keep a home, we support our husband's as they commune with God via the priesthood, which women don't have. And when we're dead we get to look forward to being breeders again, only this time we'll be one of many, many wives of the husband we devoted our entire life to while alive, because Mormons believe in polygamy in heaven.
The church fosters misogynistic men and tolerates their behavior and what do the women like me get, wrapped up in our worth and feeling like shit and trying to be perfect. But what I never realized is that I can't be any better, I can't be anymore than just who/what I am. My husband was raised a "woman-hater," the church fosters that, and my husbands mother started it with her awful behavior to CP . The Mormon church was the best place for my husband to go. It fed his fire.
What I can do now that I understand all this is move on with my life and quit trying to be something to him that I'll never be. He'll never really loved me, he never even wanted me, he just wanted to have babies to fulfill God's plan and he happened to need a woman for that. So now that I know that it was never about me or my worth, I don't worry about why he doesn't love me. I no longer need to fret and worry over building a relationship thatwill never be. I no longer have to try and be someone I'm not.
So now, Bishop, you are right when you said "It seems like she doesn't really love you." Put more succinctly, I do love him, because without him I wouldn't have my children, but I'm not in love with him. I'm no longer seeking a relationship with him. I'm no longer going to worry that I've let him down by not going back to the Mormon church and try to make up for that failing in other ways. I'm me - and he can like that or leave that or do what he wants with it. But I'm done talking to you and trying to understand him and your church. I'm done wanting orthinking that something good can be had from all this trauma.
What CP and I are is two people headed for an eventual divorce. Now that I know it was never about him loving me, I'm not worried that divorce means I wasn't worthy or that I'm unlovable. It's just the end of something that should have never been started. But this realization also means that I can stay in this marriage for a few more years, until custody is not such a playing point with CP, and not feel worthless and sad because I'm an unloved wife. I can also stop worrying that I'm so terribly flawed that no other man will ever want me. I know that this is just CP and that I'mnot irredeemable.
CP can use his unrighteous dominion on me and our kids all he wants. And you as a church leader can stand back and tolerate it, as all in your shoes before you have, but I'm a firm believer in karma. CP will regret what he's done, and probably most poignantly where his children are concerned. He's given up on them, they are giving up on him. Someday he will be alone and wondering why and he will realize that when he wrote them off because they weren't Mormon, he missed out on a wonderful life with his kids, just enjoying who they were, regardless of their religion. And he will be miserable. That is what I worried about this most with him. CP is afraid of being alone. That is why he's a member of the Mormon church, that is why he clings to God. But he's going to be alone. I worried so much about how hard his regrets would hit him and how difficult it would be. It's why I talked to you and why I talk to him and why I went to therapy, in part. To try and find a way to bridge the growing gap between CP and the kids and CP and me, so that in the end, we could build a good life and the regrets wouldn't hit him and he wouldn'tfeel alone, like he did when his parents disowned him.
That was folly too. I've been trying to be there with loving support for a man who never loved me. For a man who cannot support me because I'm not a Mormon. CP has made his bed. He can lie in it and as far as I'm concerned you can lie there with him, as you are an accessory to the destructionof our family.