Monday, June 21, 2004

Why is a compromise so hard to reach?

Yesterday I tried to talk to CP about what we can do. I suggested more ideas to meet in the middle. It went, as usual, badly. It degenerated into a "what's wrong with me and him" conversation. He told me he thinks I have low self-esteem and that is why I dress in "trashy" clothes and go out dancing on the weekends. He also said he thinks I'm not working on us - particularly because I don't do the dishes or cook as much as I used to. He reminded me that he pays for everything I do and I should do more around the house to earn my keep. He came close to threatening me that if I didn't do housework I'd be out on my ass.

I told him I think he has low self-esteem and rather than work on his own issues he rips into me to intensify my confusion and take the focus off his own insecurities. He got pissed. I knew he would.

Then he once again reminded me that our marriage is not the most important thing to him. God, Mormon church and his "Mormon" family (read he and the kids) is.

I told him if that's truly where his heart is at then we might as well quit working on staying together and start planning our divorce.

He stared at me.

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

One week has passed...

The last week has been OK. In one way it was torture because I was wanting a phone call from GB that never came. I meditated and felt that whatever was keeping him, wasn't me. I didn't do anything wrong - a new place for me. But then I got a text message from him and I called and he called and I called and the conversations were great. I feel more than I want to for him but I'm dealing.

As for CP, he told me he hates that won't go to Mormon church. I can't be offended, because I hate that he goes to church. The more this goes on, the more I want it over. I'm just ready to move on with my life and take responsibility for my choices and my actions and live how I want to live.

CP wanted to have sex last night and I said no. It's hard to be intimate with him when I feel in my heart that it's over.

I went to see my therapist today and then I tried to talk to CP about my appointment when I got home, but it didn't go well. It's like all the therapists and church people and friends, etc are wrong and he's the only one who is right. He's got it all figured out for himself. What a lonely place to be.

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

I finally figured out my stand on the Mormon church

The days continue to be pretend days. I know CP is sad and upset. I know he doesn't want me to leave and yet what can "we" do about it. I can't ask him to give up church, even for a little while, anymore than he can ask that I stay with him regardless of what it costs me.

I suppose there is some good. I finally figured out that I don't want to ever go back to Mormon church. I probably would never have come to that realization if CP hadn't gone back. It's just not for me - organized religion is not for me. Beyond that, my delvings into the ex-Mormon community and reading up on everything online has helped me see that I don't believe in the church's truth anymore. It's just a religion, like any other, not better, not worse, and certainly not the only true church on the face of the earth.

Sure the Mormon's want me to go now - they are accepting of me the way I am now. But if I "went back" - they would frown at the tattoos, my clothing, they would poo-poo my questions because all of that makes me different. They want me back, but only if I look like, talk like and act like them. And I'm ME. Not them. I've never been a conformist. I’ve always been weird.

It's so sad. Because I love CP. I really do, but I can't live with his religious choice. I can't live with his interpretation of his church. I can't live in that "space" of feeling like my very non-Mormon life is letting him down. I love him and he loves me, but love just isn't enough. I would always feel second-rate. And that's me feeling that, not him telling me that. But he says over and over, how he chose God and he wants this 100% Mormon life. I can't give that to him.

It's me, my deal, my decision - my feelings. He wants me and his church and I'm not strong enough right now for both.

Monday, June 07, 2004

I pretend everything is fine....

I didn't write on Saturday and Sunday. Last Wednesday through Friday was bad - I was once again reminded of all the differences, problems and how there are no solutions. Saturday was a "pretend" day. A day where CP and I pretend everything is fine. Sunday was weird. I hate Sunday's. I feel so much alone when they all leave and go off to church. It's the type of day that makes me feel it would be better to leave. It's painful.

Today I'm hanging in. I know I'm angry at God. I don't know how not to be. Mormon God anyway - I like the idea of God but I just wonder why - if that church is supposed to be true and I sought for answers for so many years of my life and did what I was supposed to do why God didn't see fit to help me out with everything. It's all relative, I suppose, maybe He did and I ignored it.

Then there's GB. Who you might ask? My new big mistake? I saw him again when I went to Sacramento. But I know that something's up there. He says he wants to see me, but he doesn't make it out to see me until the last day of my trip. It's because he doesn't really want to lie to his girlfriend. And I don't want to lie to CP. I'm not good at it, but I'm good at being with GB. I like him and I looked so forward to seeing him....and it was great.

It was weird though kissing one guy goodbye at the airport and kissing another one when I landed. There was only two hours between the two. Did my husband know? Could he tell? I was worried. But no reason to be, he was oblivious.

I think he thinks I'm just always going to be there, be with him, and never, ever leave him. Maybe, maybe not. I have no path.

Friday, June 04, 2004

All Kinds of Questions

I started seeing a therapist again yesterday to work out all the upcoming twists and turns in my life and she told me to write in a journal. I've always been a writer and journaler but mostly I type on the computer. So I thought it would be good to start this file on my comp.

I'm supposed to write about my feelings and my goals. My feelings are all over the map and my only goal these days is to survive emotionally to the next day.

Today has mostly been about tears. My husband (CP) and I get along fine - enjoy each other's company and then wham! one sentence puts us right back in hell. This time it was a silly discussion about the fax machine vs. having voice mail and I realize again how much different his life would be without me in it. Silly that a thing like that would make me realize this.

It hurts because I liked my life with him in it, but I don't know if he likes his life with me. He wants the whole "Mormon" life and that's not me. Am I keeping him from God? Am I keeping him from his eternal glory? He says he's not getting anything from our relationship. Can he get something from our relationship if I never go back to church? Will he view his life as a terrible in the end? A terrible compromise?

It should be easy for me to leave so that he can have the life he wants. I'm holding him back. But it's not easy to leave because of the kids. I love them, but again CP wants them in church and if they believe all that crap they might end up thinking I'm not worth it and they won't really be "with" me. I don't think CP wants me to have the kids. I'm pretty sure he'll fight me on that and I don't want to put them through a custody fight, but I'm preparing for the worst.

I know if we end this thing now, I'll be happier. He'll be happier, the kids will be happier....the tension will ease. And I'll be letting CP go to have the life he wants and maybe I can have the life I want. Maybe I can find someone with whom I can be myself and someone who will love me no matter what.