Saturday, November 27, 2004

Because free is a very good price

So, big news .... we're moving. It is very last minute and I'm not at all ready and with the holidays coming up, it's not my idea of a good time, but the house comes rent/mortgage free for two years.

The husband does a lot of work for a very wealthy man who owns and buys real estate all over the city. He bought a house that is zoned commercial and was previously used as a counseling clinic. He was going to let it sit vacant for two years and then bulldoze it down and build a commercial building. He asked us if we wanted to live there and not pay any rent for the two years he's waiting. In the words of Homer Simpson....doh! So it needed paint and some minor work done to remove the sterile signs of clinic-ness....and we are moving in next weekend.

I've been giving a lot of thought to whether or not I even wanted to move, because this would be a good time for me to make a break, but financially I'm not ready. It'll be a few more months before my commissions kick in at work to such a degree that I can count on the money every month and so I can't afford to live on my own.

But also, it's free....the house is free and that takes money stress of both the husband and I, so when I do move out and pay for a place, maybe....just maybe money won't be such a playing point in the eventual end.

So I don't know how much I'll be blogging for the next week. And once I move I won't have DSL for about another 10 days, though I will have access at work.

I'm also posting some pics from my Farscape convention. First we have MS, Claudia Black (Aeryn Sun on the show), AF, me and SS.

This one is of the ever-handsome Ben Browder and our group. Ben plays John Crichton, the star of Farscape.

This is a pic of me and Wayne Pygram, he plays Scorpius on the show.

Next we have a pic of my best friend, AF and I with Anthony Simcoe, who plays Ka D'Argo on Farscape.

And finally, my favorite, AF and I with David Franklin. David is hilarious and so cute. He plays Captain Braca.

I'm off in about a half hour to go dancing downtown. Have a great weekend everyone!

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

My favorite weekend once a year

Once a year, I leave for five days and play in Burbank, CA with friends. I love the TV show, Farscape, and the yearly convention is down there. So I go early, stay late, and party way too much, if there is such a thing.

I wrote two and a half pages of a blog about the whole experience and stories from my past conventions, but then accidentally shut down too many windows and forgot to save any of the blog. That was last Tuesday evening. I meant to rewrite in Wednesday, but was too busy packing, etc. Then I meant to write while I was in Burbank, but never made any time.

I was too busy playing pool. :-)

So, here goes....

Every year for the last four years, I board a plane the week before Thanksgiving week and head to Burbank and the Hilton Hotel for the Annual Farscape Convention. I spend copious quantities of money, drink copious quantities of alcohol and play copious quantities of pool. What I don't get is copious quantities of sleep. In fact, very little sleep is to be had.

I go with a friend of mine who got me hooked on watching Farscape, AF, and we share a hotel room to cut costs and have tons of fun. We get to meet the stars of the show, get their autographs and have photos taken with them and then there are just the general parties and hanging out at the bar with the stars. Much fun.

Now telling you all this, you might be thinking of the typical Star Trek convention fan and all the fun that is made of them. You're probably thinking that I'm a geek. And you're right, I'm a geek to the core, however, I'm not you're typical Star Trek geek. Although, I can name the title of every Farscape episode, and every Buffy episode, ummmm....every X-Files episode (until season 7 when the show started to suck much ass) and every Roswell episode. Let's see, Lost, Angel, I am a complete geek. And when are they going to start having Lost fan conventions?

All geekiness aside, this is the best weekend I spend every year. I love going to Burbank, it is one giant party and because I've been four years in a row, it is like a high school reunion every year without the high school drama bullshit.

This year was awesome, but I don't have time to post much about it right now. I'm going to scan the pics of me with the Farscape stars and post them and babble some more about the convention.

Three things to remember.....from New Jersey, a condensed version of a great swear word...."bullsh." That's it. In a New York accent. From a complete hard-of-hearing moment I experienced...we have "fuckles." Like knuckles, but fuckles. And finally from DG in England we have "fuck this for a game of solitary." That's my favorite.

More later.

Monday, November 15, 2004

What happens when your daughter takes out a big chunk of your dog's eye

You have a big ass vet bill....that's what.

My youngest and my little Angel were playing on Friday and she took out a piece of his eye, but neglected to tell me until his eye went glassy and puffed up and oozed. By Sunday Angel would do nothing but lay under my bed and whine. He wouldn't go outside and he didn't venture out because he couldn't see anything. When he did try to round a corner he yelped and jumped back and ran under the bed because everything looked so different to him.

I took him to the vet this morning and left him there, so the doctor could take a look at him. He's missing part of his cornea and damaged his iris. So we have drops and creams to apply and he has to go back on Friday.

And he'll probably never see fully out of that eye again.

Bummer, I don't know who is more upset, my dog or my daughter.

Saturday, November 13, 2004

The "what if...." game

Most of you know I watch Joan of Arcadia, and I don't know what it is about this show, but it gets me....every week. I cry like a baby and then I can't stop thinking about it and last night's ep was no different. "What if...." Joan hadn't gone on that date and she'd been with Judith instead, would she have been able to save her friend's life or would she have perished also.

I hate the "what if...." game, but there are days I play it a lot. And because of this ep of Joan, I've been thinking about it a lot. So here I go.

What dad hadn't left for coffee all those years ago and never come back.
We would have finished up our little family vacation and gone back home. Maybe my parents would have divorced anyway, but I probably would not have spent the next six years of my life without any contact from my dad.

What mom had chosen to go to Oakland, CA and life with her parents after my dad left.
I would have grown up in the Bay Area, a place I greatly love, probably gone to Catholic school and not been white trash poor. I would have had help in taking care of my mom and sister, instead of doing everything myself.

What if....when I was 14 years old, I would have pushed to choose which parent I wanted to live with, instead of backing down and staying with my mother because she needed me.
I would have picked my dad and probably grown up in Oklahoma. I'd have a funky accent and might have even married a Hispanic chicken farmer (as all my step sisters did...weird, huh?) and I'd probably be living in a trailer home dreading every tornado that blows through.

What 17 years old, I'd had the courage NOT to let my mom push me into dating this seemingly nice man who was 7 years older than I was.
Well, for starters, I wouldn't have had sex for the first time at 17 in the back of an El, that's right an El Camino doesn't have a back seat. I probably wouldn't have had sex for the next year at least, because I wasn't into redneck Montana boys.

It gets complicated here.....because of this one "what if." If it had never happened, it would have changed my life. This seemingly nice man, he was awful and mean and he had this way of making me feel like it was all my fault. This is the man. I broke up with him, he followed me. I changed my phone number, he pounded on my apartment door. I moved, he woke up the whole building at 5 AM. He scared the shit out of me and in the end, hurt me terribly in every conceivable way.

I stopped dating, I stopped flirting, I stopped going out and seeing friends, and I got myself kicked out of a private Mormon school for drinking and having sex. Even though, I didn't want to have the sex. Isn't that great? I go to a Bishop and confess that some awful guy raped me....and I get kicked out of school and he becomes a Bishop himself.

What if....I'd never met him.
The possibilities are endless.

What if....after all this, as a single woman living on my own, I'd left the Mormon church back when I was 19. What if....I'd taken the years needed to recover from my ordeal instead of marrying the first guy who seemed OK with my fucked up life story.
I'd have never met my husband, and even if I had, he'd never have married me because I wasn't Mormon. I'd never have had my kids.

So I guess, over all, the course of my life was charted and had to be so, because in all honesty, I cannot imagine my life without my children. They keep me going, they make me laugh and because of them, I know I have a place in this world. So all the shit, being what it was, was worth it, because I have my kids.

I have one more that I've been thinking of since yesterday morning.

What if....I hadn't sat down at that corner bar stool in Burbank, CA almost one year ago and started talking to, and flirting with, GB.
Would I have even met him? Probably, because I think no matter where I was sitting with my group of girlfriends, he would have at least taken some time to talk to me....because he is that kind of person. But would everything else have happened? Would the last year of my life have been so crazy. Would have I have done all the things I did? Would I have just met some other guy along the way? Was I looking for that in my life right then because of where I was with my marriage to CP? There is no telling. Many questions, without a lot of answers.

But again, this is something I wouldn't change. It was scary and sad and exhilarating all at the same time, and ultimately, it was the catalyst that got me blogging. And I'm pretty sure that without this outlet for all my feelings and thoughts, I would never be at the place I am right now.

Which is such a good place for me to be....right now.

Friday, November 12, 2004

Catching Kevin at the door

Since you're leaving, Kevin (aka Pillsbury) LOL, couldn't help myself with that one, I wanted to say a few things.

I really appreciate your comments on this blog. For a couple of reasons, the first is that you, in a way, have helped me understand that not all Mormons are judgmental, holier-than-thou people. You found my blog, commented with your true opinions and feelings without telling me I am a piece of shit for standing against the church. I am "told" that enough already, and don't need to keep hearing it, so thanks for that.

Second, you stood, and continue to stand your ground. Even against believe what you believe, you live by it and are thankful for it. You try to help, not only within the bounds of your own religious beliefs (i.e., suggesting Pres. Hinckley’s article) but also by stepping outside the Mormon box and understand that I'm looking at things from another angle. And you worked with that.

Finally, you said:

For being an "ex-mormon," I've heard you agree with the church teachings a whole lot.

Oh, Kevin, now there is a can of worms. I left because, at a time in my life, I put God to the test. I needed Him, the comfort, whatever....and I didn't think I got it. I did, at the time, but was too mired in my own personal shit to understand it. I was angry with God and stopped going to church. I always told myself that I'd figure it out someday and go back. But when I did think about going back, I got this sick, queasy feeling and couldn't stand to think about it. It got easier over the years to just not think about it.

Then, wouldn't you know it, my husband needed to be a Mormon again....and it was time for me to think about it all whether I wanted to or not. I thought about God and life, and where I was going in my life, the things going on just then, which were many and crazy and way outside my normal life experience. I realized that God doesn't want or need me to be Mormon. I don't have to be a Mormon to be saved or go to Heaven. If I do my best, live my life, take care of my kids and love my neighbor, etc....His grace will be there in the end and that was it....for me.

My life previous to leaving the church was all about seeking perfection. I was trying to be all things to all people, no one more than CP. Without that weight on my shoulders, that drive to be perfect, well, it was life-changing. I am ME. I'm doing my best and that is what matters. If I screw it all up, it all rests on me and if I succeed, well....damn that is all me too. There is such a greatness in just knowing that.

So when I put Got to the test all those years ago, in a way, I got my answer. To just be myself, love myself and do the best I can. It just took me almost seven years and a major kick in the ass to figure it out.

Then again, I never did find out specifically why you left the church.

And for the record, you know....I've been thinking a lot about it lately. I could go back to the Mormon church. I could go to the fun meetings, the church stuff, pray maybe, etc. But they'd have to accept me just as I am now. I love to dance, I party my fair share almost every weekend. I have my nose pierced and three tattoos with at least four more planned. I don't like wearing dresses, unless it's a miniskirt, and will never put on garments or go to the temple ever again, because I don't believe that is the only way to heaven. If the people there would just accept ME, for who I am right now, without any desire for me to change or be what they want me to be. I could go back. But I'm pretty sure they won't accept and that is why I don't go back. I do however, go on occasion to another church, where they do seem accepting of me and are pretty much just happy that I'm there.

Oh, and I don't have to wear a dress there either. :-)

So to wrap this up, for what it's worth, I'm glad you were here on my blog, I'm happy you commented and I'm pleased to have known you.

Good luck on your mission and who knows, maybe in two years, when you get back, you can look me up. I'll probably still be here.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Where does the time go?

Vehicle Blog -

It has been a busy time here at Chez Kearn. Both of my husband's trucks has mechanical issues last week and he had to get one of them running, the other is still sitting in the driveway. The one sitting is his main vehicle, so he's considering buying something newer, that he doesn't have to put as much time and money into. My car was broken into over the weekend in downtown Portland and the dash was all ripped up. They stole my stereo and a bunch of other things and broke a window to get in. It's currently at the auto body shop and I'm driving a rental.

Computer Blog -

The kids computer died, and I wanted to say thanks to everyone who posted about that. I'm pretty sure the hard drives are fine, it was the power source and motherboard that died. And to be honest, it was old, old, old. So it didn't bother me to let it go. I have someone coming over today to take the old CPU and cable it up and dump all our personal stuff onto discs for me. Which is good. We bought a new computer this weekend and have it all set up and working, networking and once again, playing games.

I tell you, there is nothing like destroying your kids in a computer game. :-) Or being destroyed. Now that our two computers are talking so wonderfully, we are chomping at the bit to get more computer games to play, like Half-life and Quake.

Work Blog -

I began my new job in earnest last Friday. I've been unemployed for so long that it's been difficult for me to get back into the swing of working and then coming home and finding the energy to cook and clean. My house is a mess and I'm still catching up on all the television shows I Tivo-ed. But the job is good, I'm learning a lot, organizing the office and files and getting the swing of it. I'm working from home today, so that I can catch up on home stuff and take care of my car issues.

Religious Blog -

Oh, and also, I realized something. The Bishop called me last week and told me that he'd read my letter to him over and over again. He said he's had many people tell him off and call him all kinds of names and he never takes it personally, but my letter hurt him more than anything else in his "Bishop" career.

Yikes, so I have the singular distinction of hurting him more than anyone else. Not something I'm proud of. I apologized to him, as I didn't mean to hurt him personally. But I learned something. He genuinely was trying to help me. He genuinely doesn't agree with many of the things my husband is doing and he's hurt by my letter yes, but hurt more by the knowledge that his efforts with regards to my husband were for naught.

And then I put it together. I didn't overestimate the Bishop’s ability to help, I underestimated my husband's narrow vision of his interpretation of his religion. It's not so much that he's a member of the Mormon church, as he's created a church of his own, based on Mormon dogma. He's not picked a path to travel on, as much as he's picked a spot to stand in. Brick by brick he takes his beliefs and builds a fortress around himself and now he's stuck and can't move. He's still of the mindset that doing anything with me is compromising his beliefs, and why wouldn't he feel that way. Doing anything with me is akin to tearing down some of that fortress and stepping outside. How scary that must be for him. How lonely.

And this is where what Kevin (now Pillsbury) said weeks ago in my blog comes in. Pillsbury suggested that my husband and I read an article by the Mormon church president. I heard about the talk and I read the transcript of it. I know my husband heard it because he watched the General Conference when it was given. But you see, with his singular mindset, he is incapable of understanding the talk for what it is. To love me and respect me, goes against his personal views. For example, the church president said:

There is no other arrangement that meets the divine purposes of the Almighty. Man and woman are His creations. Their duality is His design. Their complementary relationships and functions are fundamental to His purposes. One is incomplete without the other.

Complementary relationships, duality, being God's creations....all things I believe in, but you see, I'm not a Mormon anymore, so in my husband's eyes, this does not apply to me or our relationship. That is the core of our issues. Do I have to be Mormon to complement him? I don't believe so, but he does. So I appreciate the thought, Pillsbury, and I too, thought the talk might help, but at this point nothing can.

And oddly enough, I've never felt happier and more content with myself and my path. Mostly because I know there isn't anything I'm doing wrong or could be doing better for him. I can't change to make him happy, if he wants happiness, change has to come from within him. My whole life, I thought changing for others would help them and me. I'm so happy I was wrong about that.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Raise your glasses folks, she was a good computer

Nicknamed Buffy, she was built in a factory in Taiwan and shipped to the United States. Despite being programmed with the Windows ME operating system, Buffy was purchased in October 2000 and taken home by the caring Kearn family. She lived a long and full life and passed away at sunset while trying to burn a back up disc on November 3, 2004.

While powered up, Buffy enjoyed taking video clips with her connected VCR. She liked playing music and games, especially Warcraft, Diablo and Age of Empires. She was immensely popular with the Kearn family for her love of The Sims, and proudly carried the original Sims disc on her C drive as well as every expansion pack available. Her Sims rocked and rolled and dated and cast Wicca spells.

More than just a computer, Buffy was adept at dial-up and had Ethernet capabilities, which the Kearn family made use of in late 2001. Later in her life, she was connected to a router and networked to the Kearn's newest computer, Spike. Buffy and Spike shared many photos and music files and enjoyed surfing the web at the same time.

In her last days, the Kearn children used Buffy to visit many unsavory websites, like, and and began infecting Buffy with spy ware and tenacious executable files that over wrote her Internet Explorer browser and began to slow her down considerably. Ever the optimist, Buffy continued to surf the web using the new FireFox browser, but alas, that was soon to be over written by spy ware. Her last day was spent trying to delete the spy ware files and using Netscape Navigator until it too succumbed to the hijacking spy ware.

It was not just the spy ware that slowed her power source, Buffy was whirring like a helicopter when she was first turned on and made funny little chirping noises. She let everyone know of her discomfort when she would abruptly open her CD drawer and slide out the empty CD tray with no provocation. She also needed to be rebooted at least 10 times a day.

She was a wonderful computer, she cost a bundle and she knew it. She was born with Windows ME, however, and knew she was disadvantaged from the start. That didn't stop her from living a full and happy life. She died abruptly while burning a backup CD trying desperately to get all the Kearn family personal information off her hard drives. She will be sorely missed, as will the data she harbored.

She is survived by the Kearn family and her "brother" on the network, Spike. Cremation is being considered, but a hammer just might do the job. In lieu of gifts and flowers, donations are welcome. The Kearn children are without a computer and eager to check their email.

Monday, November 01, 2004

Got a phone call on Sunday that I didn't think I'd get

....from my husband's bishop. You see, I didn't just post the letter on my blog, I sent it, as well. He said he was sad and upset and told me that he'd always been straight with me. He told me that he never told my husband I didn't love him. He said he only said the opposite. And he said that he's worried and frustrating at the thought of continuing to talk to CP because my husband misinterprets things so much. I said, "welcome to my world." He told me that he thinks I'm "more than" trying, considering the situation and that the reason my marriage isn't "working" as well as it could be is not for my lack of trying. I told him I appreciated the call, because I didn't expect him to call. He said, "Of course I would, I had to call."

All this is great.....and while I could take it as a "toot my own horn" sort of thing. The Bish did say one other thing. He said that in all honesty he doesn't think my marriage will work out in the long run if my husband doesn't let up on his hard-core believes and learn to compromise and love unconditionally. (Hard-core was my choice of words)

And he's right.

The great place that I came too last month, that my worth is not wrapped up in whether or not my husband loves me, that place is still there and I still exist in it. I love it, to be honest with you. It's lifted 1000 pounds of weight off my shoulders. I know it was never about him loving me, he just needed a girl to make some babies with so that God would be happy.

It's a shame that there was no best friend or confidante or even a mom who gave a good God damn about my life to maybe pull me back from my engagement 15 years ago and tell me that something wasn't right. But I can't change the past, if I did I wouldn't have my kids....and besides I don't like thinking about applying quantum theory to my life....I mean look how it messed up Commander Riker on Star Trek.

The fact remains that I did get married and to someone I wasn't suited to. I'm a hopeless romantic and a dreamer, he's pragmatic and tepid. But we made our life and we did it together and we just have to trudge through.

I get the feeling that he doesn't want to trudge through anymore, but he's so wrapped up in doing what God wants and the outward appearance of being a true blue Mormon (TBM) that he won't file for divorce. He doesn't want anyone to think poorly of him. I get the feeling that the niceness is for show and we can get through some days in relative ease and then it's all about how I don't do enough housework or I suck because I order take out on ballet night or I suck even more because I had to spend $100 on a network firewall to keep the hackers out of my kids' computer.

He says these things with a venom that is meant to sting and would have even two months ago. I would have wanted to bolt out the damn door with no money and no where to take my kids, but now, I know it isn't me. He wants me gone....yes, but when I do leave, and I will when I can offer my kids a stable, financial life with me in a nice place to live ( and I have the money to fight in court) .... and he marries that 30+ divorced, Mormon single mother, who looks great in an ankle length flowered dress, I know that he won't be marrying her because he loves her so deeply that he can't imagine spending another day of his life, or heaven forbid, the eternities without her. He's only going to marry her to, once again, fulfill God's greater plan.

I thought he loved me so much that he would never want to live without me as his wife. I was mistaken, but I labored under that assumption for almost 15 and a half years. And now that I know what I know, that he could live without me starting tomorrow and never look back, I don't hurt. I don't fret. It's so weird, and nothing like I ever thought I'd feel, but there it is.

Now onto life happenings in the last almost week since I last wrote.

  • I've been trying to work....trying being the operative word.

  • I went out dancing Saturday night at two different clubs and met two very nice boys, one at each, and had me some great fun kissin' on boys.

  • My great friend, TP, who I was out with on Saturday (him and bunch of others, including his wife) told me he misses my husband's friendship. Told me he loves him like a brother, but no matter what happens, he loves me, too. It was great....and the ensuing hug ended in teary eyes. And this was at 4 AM in a crowded, smoky dance club.

  • I hooked up a wireless, firewall router and all is well, except my daughter and I STILL cannot play Age of Empires on the network. Dammit, Dammit, Dammit.

  • I started reading Under the Banner of Heaven by Jon Krakauer and can't seem to put it down. What an incredible book!

I'm now going to to go watch, Extreme Makeover: Home Edition - How'd They Do That?

Thanks for reading everyone.