Thursday, June 30, 2005

What life has in store

I don't know, I just know that major life changes are ahead. They will be big and scary, yet oddly welcome. I just keep telling myself that I have no idea how it's all going to be, it's just going to be different.

CP had his lawyer send mine a letter, which my lawyer, Super Lawyer, got on Monday. In it CP offered me primary custody of the kids with parenting time as stipulated in the Multnomah County parenting plan, which essentially means, every other weekend, two weeks a year and the standard holiday visitation schedule....for CP. He's offering me full custody of my kids.

With the offer of custody CP also offered me a very tiny sum of money for alimony and a small sum for child support, based on his low-wage, struggling contractor income. It's utter bullshit. But this bullshit is different than the Bull Shit I dated.

And so I had to meet with my lawyer on Wednesday to talk about everything and get ready for our first court hearing, which is coming up next Tuesday, July 5th and 1:30 PM Pacific Daylight Time (please keep me and my kids in your thoughts).

My lawyer told me that we are going to accept the offer of custody (a no-brainer) and ask for considerably more money in alimony and child support, because now is the time to let them know that we have three years worth of CP's bank statements. My lawyer said that if CP's lawyer has a brain he will realize that they are toast and will deal with me to avoid being audited by the IRS. Let's see if CP's lawyer has a brain, otherwise I'll have to call him Scarecrow.

What my lawyer is trying to do is wrap everything up by tomorrow, thus avoiding the hearing. His success will come in using those bank statements to get CP to want to avoid court in order to avoid having his very dirty banking/tax practices exposed in front of a judge.

But then again. CP has asked a number of Mormon's to stand up for him in court and be character witnesses. Wouldn't it be great if we ended up in court and all those good-standing Mormons heard, out loud, that good-standing, ever-devout CP lied on his taxes? Perhaps he would become hypocritical CP. I doubt it though, as Mormons tend to hear what they want to hear and take everything on faith. They'll just surround CP afterward, offer him pats on the back and believe his complete shit story about how I'm evil and the spawn of Satan and "can you believe she did that to me? Now you see why I'm divorcing her?"

Oh, well. It doesn't break my heart.

The last time CP offered me custody of the kids it all went up in smoke, so I'm not getting my hopes up, at least about it being wrapped up by Friday (tomorrow). Instead, I'm planning for court. I know what I'm going to wear. I know what I'm going to say. I know I'm not going to crumble when I see CP or when his evil, nasty lawyer questions me.

I know I can do this. I'm ready.

And my lawyer told me that he would be "flabbergasted beyond belief" if I didn't walk out of that court room on Tuesday with custody of my kids.

That puts my mind at ease.

So recap, because I have to do this lately, I got an offer on Monday, met with my lawyer on Wednesday. Letter was written by my lawyer and mailed on Wednesday, CP and his lawyer were in receipt of letter today and CP found out about the bank statements. Things might be finalized by tomorrow afternoon.

If you have a God or Goddess or Higher Power or Mother Nature that you pray to or rely on or have any positive universal energy to send my way, please.... PRAY, THINK, SEND .... anything.

Four days left.

At the most.

And then I'll have the answers I've waiting almost two months for. It feels like I've been waiting my entire life for this.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Fool me once....again

So here we go - same story, different man.

I blogged about "fool me once, shame on you...fool me twice, shame on me" a while back. GB as it turned out had a girlfriend, after telling me for months he wasn't going to get involved in a relationship. Needless to say, I don't talk to him anymore.

And I mentioned in my last blog that I was dating.... a little bit. All I have to say this time is at least I picked up on the subtle clues and only went out with this guy twice.

The story:

While taking a class this spring at PSU, I met a nice man. Older than I am, I knew he was divorced and he had a nice smile. We made eyes at each other across the classroom and I wondered if he'd ask me out. He did two weekends ago. His name is....this is too good to be true....BS. Now I usually only use initials on this blog, but in honor of BS, I think I'll call him Bull Shit.

Yea, that feels good.

So Bull Shit and I met at a restaurant, one I'd always wanted to eat at, and we had a drink in the bar while waiting for our table. I don't know about him but I was nervous, because I didn't know much about him other than I enjoyed smiling at him and he had nice eyes. Then when we were seated at our table, we talked and when the waitress came over to take our orders, we realized we hadn't even looked at the menu. I thought this was a good sign. Dinner was great, conversation was interesting.

He told me he'd been married and divorced twice and that he'd gone to therapy and after his second divorce had dated a while and then realized that he should take some time for himself. He spent a year not dating and getting comfortable with living alone. He talked about his teenage daughter and losing his job in 2002 and we seemed to have a lot in common. He liked to dance, he loved to watch movies, we were both involved in the same program at PSU, etc.

We got up to leave the restaurant, but he said he didn't want the evening to end, so we walked on the waterfront and then went to this bar in the Riverfront District. We ordered tea and cocoa and talked some more. He seemed charming and we laughed and for the first time in a long time, I was engaged in stimulating conversation with someone who seemed nice and genuine.

Oh my God. It's only been a week, and I can't believe I fell for it.

At the bar, we were sitting close and holding hands and he asked me if I wanted him to kiss me, I nodded and he did. We didn't stop for quite some time and kept on going even when a group of businessmen came into the bar, ordered drinks, and seemed to be standing all around us. I think we gave them quite a show.

Bull Shit walked me to his car and drove me into the parking garage where I had parked and we went up a few floors to a relatively deserted area and we .....hmmm....had a good time.

We both agreed it was a unexpected end to the evening.

I drove home thinking, as amazing as it was, I'd actually met a nice, well-adjusted, sincere man who might be capable of a deep friendship with a woman. I wasn't looking for anything more than that, although, the kissing and making out was nice.

I emailed him over the weekend and he emailed back and we decided to meet for drinks on Monday....last night.

The tone of last night was completely different.

From the moment I sat down, I felt I was being evaluated. At the time, I couldn't put my finger on the odd feeling, but I knew something was up. We talked about my weekend, work and where I went dancing and his weekend out of town. He told me I was beautiful. He was even willing to listen as I talked about the current legal battles with CP (but I'll blog more on that tomorrow). We laughed and well....I was enjoying myself.

Then the conversation turned to computers, traveling and television. On the computer topic we were OK, though he did suggest that I stop going to PSU and just work in computers. Yea, like I hadn't had that thought's called a major recession and a serious decline in the internet jobs. I thought it odd that he didn't get that I love attending school and taking classes and I don't mind the stress of trying to figure things out and write papers. (Though, admittedly, I did suck at it badly this term)

Then talk turned to traveling. Places I'd been, places he'd been. And then just plain traveling around the city. I was surprised at how little he got around. He told me that he was a urban bound person and didn't venture out much. So when I told him I traveled to Burbank, California every year for a Farscape convention.....he stared at me blankly.

And that's when we hit television. Turns out he hasn't watched television since...oh, 1988. Can you imagine? While he was telling me the story of how he ended up not watching TV, I was thinking of all the great TV shows he'd missed over the years. I told him some of the shows I liked to watch and then mentioned that I loved the NBA games and football, especially the Oakland Raiders (sorry, Pops).

Bull Shit looked at me and said, "we have absolutely nothing in common." I countered with "we have a little bit in common, but it is kind of odd isn't it." Then he said, "I haven't had this much fun talking with someone in a long time, even though we don't have much in common." And he just looked at me.....and I knew right then, I was under the microscope.

Bull said, "what am I going to do with you?"
I answered, "I don't know."
He said, "I'm not ready for a relationship."
I said, "I'm not either."

Oh, yeah....microscope. He'd put me on the slide, added the solution, covered me with that little plastic thingy and shoved me under the scope and he was analyzing me from every angle.

Talk turned to art and movies and then he asked if I wanted to continue the evening. It was raining so a walk was out, he said we could go to another bar or go to his car, because.....cue the music....he wanted to kiss me.

We walked by his office and then to his car and we got a little crazy. But thank God I didn't have sex with him, because as we were winding down, he looked at me and said that he really ENJOYED himself and he'd HAD a great time getting to know me.

Bells starting ringing.

Then he reached over and patted my knee.

Oh, yeah, we were crashing and burning.

So I decided that I wasn't going to just let that go and go home and wonder why I didn't get an email from him or a phone call and then potentially make a fool of myself by calling him in a week and having him blow me off. So I took a deep breath and jumped out on that limb I'm getting familiar with as I venture into this new life, as the new Rory.

As he was driving me to my car I asked, "So am I going to see you again....or not."

He smiled and looked straight ahead. He started talking about how he felt odd, like he was taking advantage of me at a transitional phase of my life, he said he wasn't available....

It was like GB deja vu all over again. I asked him what he meant by unavailable. He said he had a lot going on in his life. I said, "could you be any more vague?"

He finally said, "I'm involved in an ambiguous relationship with someone else." or woman....I wonder.

He said again that wasn't ready for a relationship. He said he'd wanted to be my friend and be there for me at this time in my life and that he didn't know if making out in his car constituted friendship. He also said something about how if we continued to see each other, we would end up dating....really dating....and he wasn't ready to date. Yeah, but he was ready to be ambiguous with someone else.

He asked me what I wanted and I said that I enjoyed the connection we had and liked our friendship, that I didn't want a relationship, but I also didn't want a fuck buddy. What I wanted was somewhere in between. He answered, "Fair enough."

And so I smiled and told him I had better go. And I did.

I realize now that last night was a test. I think it was a test of whether or not he was going to end one ambiguous relationship to start another one with me. Only I didn't realize I was being tested until the last five minutes of the night. If I'd known I would have sharpened my pencil and studied my notes.

And so once again, I have this crazy connection with a man, who seems to be into me and seems nice and yet, Bull Shit, like GB, is already involved with someone else. And he lied. He wanted a fun little evening and decided to audition me for the role of stupid girlfriend. I'm glad I didn't get the part.

Fool me once....shame on you....fool me twice and I'm a fucking idiot.

What is it with men and their inability to commit? Why do they ask women out when they are already with someone else? And why do they lie?

Now I'm not saying every man is like this (there has a be a couple of good guys out there somewhere....right?), but damn....I'm 36 years old. This guy was 47. Is this what I have to look forward to? A bunch of divorced, middle-aged, insecure men who just want a little foreplay and/or sex with as many women as possible. I mean they talk a good game, they know just what to say, but in the end, they aren't any different at 47 then they were at 17.

If this is my dating future with the male species.....I think I might start pitching for the other team.

At least I recognized the signs and picked up on the subtle clues that Bull Shit wasn't any different than GB wasn't any different than CP wasn't any different than my first boyfriend.

I may be slow on the uptake, but I'm catching on quickly.

Now I just need to find out where the gay bars are in town. :-)

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Life inside the Big Box....or....I shake it like J. Lo

One cannot help but think while on a journey and since this is one trip I'm on by myself, I've been thinking a lot.

There are a couple of aspects of my personality, new things (but maybe not new, so much as buried), that I've noticed about myself and again, they might be difficult to explain, but I want to try.

First, women - men - kids, who go through abuse are afraid to speak their mind because they are afraid that someone is going to yell at them and call them names or hit them, etc. So I have this mind, and I always knew what I wanted to say, but I learned early on that speaking my mind was not I rarely said what I was thinking. Now I do. And, can I just say it is so refreshing.

For example, the other day at work one of the managers came into the back warehouse to blow off some steam....(which means he came back there to bitch and swear and drop the F-bomb as much as possible before he went back out onto the sales floor). The problem, I'm on the phone calling customers letting them know in my most cheery voice that their (computer, laptop, camera, DVD player, etc) is back from service and is ready for them to pick up...we're open tonight until 9 PM. THANK YOU. And while I'm making these phone calls in my sweetest voice, there is this guy in the background yelling "FUCK THAT!" or whatever.

So it went something like -
"Hello, FUCK this is Rory SHIT calling to let you know FUCK ME SIDEWAYS that your EAT ME laptop is back from the GO TO HELL service center and GODDAMN you can come in BITCH and FUCK pick FUCK that FUCK up FUCK anytime FUCK YOU."

Yea, that's about how I sounded to oh, say five customers on the phone before I put the phone down rather loudly and took a deep breath and gave the manager a look. He calmly asked, "Are we upsetting you?" To which I answered, "Yea, just a little bit." And he stared at me and said, "Wow. You're being honest with me, that's refreshing, most people aren't honest with me when I asked them how they feel."

This guy comes over and talks to me every day now.

And what did I learn? That when I speak my mind there isn't always someone there waiting to scream at me and call me names. I can be honest and not be a bitch. I can speak my mind and not be full of shit. And most important, there are actually people out there who respect my opinion. Holy shit! How amazing is that.

The second thing I've learned is harder to explain, so I'm going to use my love of dancing to illustrate. As previously mentioned on this blog - I love to go out dancing. I've been going out on a regular basis for over two years and have found one club in particular that I love.

When I first started dancing I always went out with CP and other friends, like TP and SP, MH and PH, and didn't like to get crazy. If a guy came up behind me I'd move away, but really that rarely happened. Even when CP became a Mormon again and didn't go out dancing with us anymore, I still didn't have a lot of guys come up and try to dance with me. I think I gave off a signal, sort of the "leave me alone" signal or perhaps the "I don't think much of myself so I can't understand why you would even want to dance with me so stay away" signal. Regardless, I usually danced alone.

There has been a noticeable shift in the last month.

Maybe it's because I carry myself differently and give off a different aura and possibly because I don't give a good goddamn what people think of me anymore, but I never lack for a dance partner....even if it's a woman. I get out there and I move to the music and I get freaky and I enjoy the hell out of it. I've met all kinds of guys who come up and ask me to dance and if I'm not interested I say so and if I am, I dance. And I enjoy myself. I don't worry about what their thinking or if my moves look like crap....I just go and have fun. And I've never had more fun...or such a large collection of napkins with phone numbers on them.

I tell everyone though that I'm not dating anyone right now (which isn't true) and that even if they give me their phone number I'm not going to call them (which is entirely true).

I feel like there are all these subtle little changes happening to me, like I'm going through a metamorphosis of some kind, and I'm not going to come out a completely different person, like turn from a caterpillar to a butterfly, but I'm changing or perhaps becoming who I always have been and just denied.

And right now a completely Mormon phrase just popped into my head....I'm going through the "refiner's fire." That is too funny!

There are other small things I'm realizing like -
I can say no.

I sprained my ankle this week and realized as I limped around and told people what happened that it was the first time in a lot of years that I was limping and not lying about why I was limping.

That I can live quite well through all this stress without Xanax.

That tracking down names and phone numbers of people CP has done "under-the-table" business with is very easy, especially with reverse address look up.

And finally, July 5th isn't that far away.

Monday, June 20, 2005

A little word about hell

I've been going to see a therapist twice a week. Because I need to and because this is quite a crazy life I have.

And because it's time to put this out there....I was a battered wife. And getting over this is so up and down. And it's so bizarre to be an adult, capable and looking like I'm all grown up, when I don't feel it at all, I feel like a child. And I suppose in many ways, I am. I'm not taking anything away from children who are abused...I'm not. But kids have a court appointed advocate, they can curl up in a ball on the couch and cry, they can play video games for hours and they don't have to go talk to anyone if they don't want to. They get to be kids and yes, it still sucks, but no one out there puts any huge expectations on them. They get the time to heal, if they have the chance.

But being a grown up and coming out and saying you were abused - verbally, emotionally and on occasion physically, there are expectations. Once you say that, well, you leave your spouse or boyfriend or whatever. And then this grown up life happens around you. And people expect you to engage in that life and do grown up things. Your life has been about pain and suffering and being told your worth nothing, but then all of a sudden, though you've always thought you were a piece of shit, you have to go out and live this new and scary-as-hell life. And it's nothing that anyone puts out there on purpose, it's just life and it never stops. But sometimes I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to get up early and I sometimes want to crawl under my covers and cry all day long.

There isn't a lot of time for that.

I had to get a job, I have bills to pay, I had to find an apartment, I have to hug my kids and help them out. I have to finish a goddamn final exam and I just turned another in late last Friday. I am adult. I have to wait until I've driven my kids to their dad's house and then driven home and walked the dog and then, maybe then, I can crawl into my bed, pulls the covers over my head and curl up and cry.

And yet, in a way, I'm this adult and I feel like a child. Less and less everyday, but there is a certain innocence about this. I believed for years and years that everything that happened to me was my fault. I believed I was terrible with money, that I couldn't cook worth a damn, that I was not a good mother, that when I got knocked up against a wall or thrown across a room I deserved it because I did something wrong. I knew without a doubt that every bad thing that every happened to me in my life was my own fucking fault.

And I knew it so completely that every time CP would yell at me, I would apologize to him. When he screamed at me and I cried, through my tears I would be saying I was sorry for hurting him.

I WAS SORRY FOR HURTING HIM!! Putting it in all caps doesn't make it any easier to stomach.

*deep breath*

So with the time and the wonderful healing, an innocence returns. I know none of it was my fault. I know I didn't deserve to be treated that way. I know I'm not a selfish cunt or a fucking whore or a raving bitch. I know that just because I forgot the noodles in the tuna casserole I'm not a bad cook. I know that each time I was yelled at and each time I was told I was worthless that is wasn't true. It wasn't me.

I realized today that I jumped through every flaming goddamn hoop CP put out there. I did everything he wanted me to do, save one thing. I couldn't be a Mormon wife. But it hit me like a freight train today that it wasn't even about that. It wasn't how stupid I was or that I didn't cook or clean the right way, it wasn't that I was too expensive or that he was pissed that he had to make my car payment even when I wasn't gainfully employed.

And it wasn't even about me being a Mormon... or not.

This was all about CP. He wanted a woman to control and manipulation, he is an abuser.

CP is a raving, megalomaniacal, hypocritical ASSHOLE.

And you know what....CP can go FUCK himself. Because everything that he blamed me for in the last 16 years.....none of it was my fault.

None of it. And in that knowledge, innocence returns.

And I realized that the reason I called the Women's Crisis Line is - from that day forward - no matter what kind of hell I have to go through; divorce, anger, court, mediation, living alone, struggling for money, arguing with CP, crying for my matter what life has been like since that day and will be like from now is infinitely better than the fucking tormented life I lived with CP.

That life was truly hell.

Saturday, June 18, 2005

Life's like an hour glass glued to the table

There are days when I just can't believe this is all happening to me, when I tried so hard to do everything just right so that it wouldn't happen to me, but those days, hours and minutes come less frequently. Because the signs were there. They were glaring and I just didn't want to see them. I know I've mentioned all this before, but every day the perspective opens me up more and more to the things I never saw.

Last weekend and again a few days ago, I was going through the pictures, the ones I took off the walls in the house and put in a box and then I was looking for a picture on my computer and I found even more. Pics of CP and I, and they surprised me. Endless pictures of me smiling, with my arms around my husband, looking at the camera and leaning into him....making a memory. Endless pictures of him with an arm placed lightly on my shoulder or draped on me like a scarf, his other arm down by his side, his eyes looking somewhere else, no smile, no spark, standing straight up and in some cases with his body turned away from me.....waiting for the moment to end and move away.

Oh, there were so many of these pictures.

And then there are the dreams. I used to have dreams that CP would leave me abruptly. He would come home and say he was leaving me, no explanation or sometimes he would have a woman waiting for him outside and he'd go off with her while I cried and cried for him to come back. I had dreams that he came home from church and packed up and told me that he and the kids had to leave me and I couldn't come along because I wasn't a Mormon. I had those dreams for 16 years.

About two months ago the dreams changed. Now I dream that he is crying and begging me to love him and I ridicule him and as he cries more and is weak and helpless, I attack him in some way. A knife, gun, doesn't matter and I end up beating the shit out of him, while he cries and I laugh.

What the hell is that about?

And so, I realize that something happened in January. When my life went pear-shaped. Something snapped in my head and all the dreams and all the signs that were staring me down came together and I made a phone call to the Women's Crisis Center and about six weeks later, I moved out. It was more than Ciara's plea for me to call a Crisis Center, it was more than anyone telling me to get the hell out of my marriage. Something changed inside me and I was done.

Though I held out hope for a while after I moved out, I was different - I am different. And I can't put my finger on it yet, but I had a defining moment and look at my life now. I can't change the past, but I can do just about anything I want to now. And I can do it without someone telling me I'm a piece of shit for doing it.

Now I'm going to commit a major Pops blogging "no no" here, but I heard this song on the radio, Breathe, by Anna Nalik and well, you know the drill, it spoke to me.

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout - 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
These mistakes that you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe

Monday, June 13, 2005


I have so much on my plate....

I'm actually finding myself wondering how anyone survives a divorce. Because let me tell you, it's not fun. It's unhealthy. It sucks much ass.

My friend AF came into town for the weekend and we took my kids to the Rose Festival for fun and food. It rained a bit and I dropped the f-bomb really loudly on the ferris wheel....they scare me, but over all it was good. It was just short. Twelve hours isn't a lot of time, when you're staring down the next three weeks with very little time to spend with your kids. It feels like an eternity.

AF and I went out dancing Saturday night and met friends and then TP and SP showed up. TP wouldn't even talk to me, but I found out that CP and TP got in an argument about me. So it makes sense.

And so, as I face the next three weeks, I had a big plan. I was going to lay my plan out like dominoes and set it in motion and then the choice few people I told about my plan each warned me not to do anything to rock the boat right now, saying that CP is on the edge and is likely to do anything. Warnings were severe and included guns and death. Not good.

So the letter to the Bishop is on hold and I'm going to play by the rules that CP has set out and let him think he's won for now. Because I suppose, ultimately, that is safer for the kids and me.

Though the bank records are still out there and will probably be coming into play in the next couple of weeks. I think the records alone will set CP over the edge.

Because really, though I'm counting down the days until I get the kids, he's counting down the days until he no longer has them. His countdown leads to an end, mine leads to a beginning.

I just feel a little overwhelmed and tired and you know what....I look at myself in the mirror and I don't recognize myself. When AF and I went out to the club I usually go to, the lady (who I know really well, but haven't seen in two months) asked me to pay a cover. When I told her I'd never paid a cover, she just looked at me and I reminded her of my name and she looked schocked. She didn't recognize me either. I've lost almost 20 pounds and my hair is growing really fast and my eyes look different. The eyes are hard to explain.

Then yesterday, AF showed me pictures that she took at the Farscape Convention in Burbank last year and I'm looking at this picture of some friends and some girl standing with them and I asked AF, "who's that?" And she said, "That's you." I stared at the photo and I just couldn't see me in that girl's face. She isn't me anymore.

And though I sit here, my eyes filling with tears as I think about it, I'm really glad that she isn't me anymore, because I didn't like her. I didn't like how she lived and how she didn't stand up for herself. I'm glad she's gone. She was sad and scared and lonely and, though I can't really blame her for those things, she didn't listen to her own intuition....she ignored what was inside.

So, I suppose, for now I have to look at the strange woman in the mirror and get used to her and take the time to get to know her.

I'm pretty sure I'll like her.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

What do to when your ex has a nuclear meltdown

1. Present his emails to the world on your blog:

Email from CP: June 7, 5:05 AM

Here are my plans for the next two sets of weekends: Because you have had them for the last two sets of weekends I would like to do the same for the next two. I have heard that AF will be in town this upcoming Saturday, and it being our daughter's Birthday weekend, I will suggest a compromise, why don't you have the children picked up Saturday morning and then bring them back later that night when you all are done downtown, let's say by 10pm. Then the following weekend is Father's Day weekend and I would like them to spend that with me.

Nice compromise, eh? Yea, let's say you get the kids 12 hours in the next two weeks and.... THAT'S ALL.

My response email: June 8, 10 AM

I don't think it's about the weekends, but my time with the kids versus your time with the kids. The weekends are the only time they can spend with me because of their school and Taekwondo. If you want to further limit my time with them, I will be sure to let my attorney know that, as we do have a hearing coming up. You have them five days a week, and most of the time six days a week.

I would like the kids to spend this Friday night with me and I can bring them back on Saturday when we're done downtown. Next weekend, I'd like them on Thursday evening as school will be out and I'll bring them back on Saturday evening so you can have them for Father's Day.

After that we need to agree on something different as I will be living over there permanently and school will be out and I will be home every afternoon and all day on Wednesday, Thursday and Sunday. I think, even if I pick them up and they spend the days with me and Monday and Wednesday evening until you are home from Taekwondo, they can spend the time with me since they will be out of school and there is no need for them to be at your house alone when they can be with me.

Email from CP: June 9, 4:45 AM

Of course what you want and what I want are not the same, nothing new there, so here is what I am willing to do in reference to your visits with the children, until the court tells me otherwise:
6-ll 9am - 10pm
6-15 4:30pm - 7:30pm
6-22 4:30pm - 7:30pm
6-25 9:00am - 9:00pm
6-29 4:30pm - 7:30pm
7-3 8:00pm - 10:00pm on the 4th of July

(of property that he is still disputing)
I only want to have to go thru the picking up of items once from here on out, so that is why I am asking you to make just one list. Make a list and send it to me. After I approve it we will have it go thru our lawyer's and then you can come get all the items from your list.

Ah, yes, what he's "willing to do." It's very big of him isn't it?

2. Fax all the pertinent information your lawyer and trust that he will handle it.

3. Write a letter to the Bishop of CP's Mormon church ward telling him what a nasty man CP is and then sit on the letter for a day or two.

4. Try, really, try to remain calm and concentrate on your final exams.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

I thought I lost you somewhere but you were never really ever there at all

I'm working on my final exams, though I've talked to two of my professors and managed to get extensions on two of the due dates because I just can't get it all done.

I've been doing a lot of thinking and I was reading over some of my past blogs again and I realized that my marriage was over long before I ever started this blog. I think CP wanted it to be over at least three years ago, when he first decided to go back to church.

It was the Catholic church initially because that's the church he was raised in. It was so sudden and he took the kids and they started catechism classes. He and I were even going to be married in the Catholic church since they didn't recognize our Mormon temple marriage. When he first started going to Catholic church I was angry, because I am not a fan of any organized religion, but once I realized that the Catholic church doesn't shove itself and it's teachings down your throat I relaxed and even attended mass.

I think CP thought I would leave him when he started going back to church.

And then he quit going to Catholic church and a few months later announced he was going back to Mormon church. And that angered me. But I wanted to respect him and his beliefs and when he saw me relenting and trying to understand, he began the endless barrage of how much he loved God more than me.

Again, I think he wanted me to leave him.

There are so many signs I should have seen, so many markers along the way, but I ignored them, thinking that if I loved him truly and did my best to make our marriage work he would love me truly and want our marriage to work. Most importantly, I thought that if I accepted him truly he would accept me truly.

But he didn't and he isn't capable.

So in January when my life went pear-shaped and I hung on for dear life and my marriage spiraled down into hell I didn't live as though I knew we were closing in on the end. I just tried to make it through each day thinking, naively, that love would save the day.

And it did. But it wasn't my love for him that saved the day, it was my love for myself and my kids.

The minute I left that house, thinking I would be back in a few weeks, CP had a plan. He knew he wouldn't "let" me move back home. He knew he'd change the locks. He knew he wanted a divorce. He knew it for years and he waited me out.

And I didn't see it. Not at the time. But I do now and yet, I still can't regret the way it all went down. Because I survived that hell and in doing that am now strong enough to survive this nasty divorce. I don't know that I would have been strong enough otherwise.

In my sixteen year marriage, I betrayed my own dreams, my heart and my very soul for a man who never really loved me. I was just a Mormon girl to complete his Mormon life. He never cared about my heart or my dreams or my soul. If he had he would not have treated me the way he did. He wasn't capable of giving himself, in any genuine way, to our marriage or our family.

But I tried so hard to make it work anyway. And my subconscious was screaming at me to get out, but I couldn't hear it, not through all the shit he was screaming at me. I can't believe that I listened to him for so long, instead of listening to my heart.

And now it's like the universe or fate or some divine entity out there is finally granting me the ability to discern, to see what my with CP life was about and to see how I can make my life different starting right now. I am deciding what I want, what makes me happy, where I want to take my journey and how I want to get there. Fate is finally granting me my dreams, or at least the ability to try and grasp at my dreams. I went through hell and I came out the other side.

I thought CP was lost, stuck in this Mormon dogma, and I thought I could save him. But it wasn't CP that was lost, it was me.

And now I've found myself (which to be honest I always thought was a silly thing to say). But I'm saying it anyway.

This is an amazing experience. I wish I could describe it more eloquently.

You and I got something
But it's all and then it's nothing to me
I got my defenses
When it comes to your intentions to me
And we wake up in the breakdown
In the things we never thought we could be

I'm not the one who broke you
I'm not the one you should fear
We've got to move you darling
I thought I lost you somewhere
But you were never really ever there at all

And I want to get free
Talk to me
I can feel you falling
And I wanted to be
All you need
Somehow here is gone

"Here is Gone" by the Goo Goo Dolls