Monday, December 18, 2006

Happy Birthday to Me!

I'm a little late, but since I keep saying I'm going to get pictures up here and then never do. I thought I'd share pictures of my big thirty....hmmmm....cough, choke....birthday party. We went to my favorite karaoke bar and sang our hearts out. Much fun was had by all. Much drinking was done by me. Much sickness followed the next day.

Here we go....I'll share these as they progress through the night. Meaning....me least drunk to me fully tossed.


















Yep, I was gone by that last picture. I vaguely remember going to a strip club and then wandering the streets waiting for my Baby B and others to get to Plaid Pantry so we could buy more smokes, which was so not what we needed.

Ah, well. It took me three days to recover. Two days to remember I sang "My Milkshake Brings All The Boys To the Yard" and three days to remember dancing with some girl named Trixie at the strip club. Memories I will cherish for always.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Why, why, why....

doesn't life just settle?

Can anyone answer that?

I got this new job, and in retrospect, my intuition was telling me not to take it, but hell....it was a State job. Good benefits. Cake work.

And now, hindsight is a bitch. An absolute, raving, nasty bitch.

This job has sucked the soul right out of me.

I wake up soooooo early. I take an hour long bus ride each day. I work 8 hours with a one hour lunch. The randomness of Best Buy that I hated has turned into a monotony of apathy that I hate so much more.

I wanted me be home more, have holidays off, take vacations, use my sick time. And instead I am gone 11 hours a day. My kids are running rampant around the house and don't do chores without a fight. My boyfriend can do little but complain that we rarely have sex and I don't like to go out as much as I used to and my only.....

ONLY.....

joy and personal pride comes from beating the xBox 360 game Need For Speed: Carbon. I rule the whole god damn town. ;-) Though I have yet to play online. I'm too chicken shit for that.

Oh, I could say so much more. Because there is good. I can pay my bills and buy my food and even have money saved for Christmas. I have finally put anger and hatred for CP behind me. Though that hasn't stopped me from taking him to court again for contempt. Hopefully he'll get his act together and start to pay down his $45,000 debt to the kids and me.

And I relish my friends and the new television show Heroes. God what a wonder that is!

I promised last time I posted that I would post more often. then I got to work at the State and even on our lunch break we cannot use the internet, nor log in to anything other than our bank account.

And so, weeks....months go by and my time flies, my kids need me and my Baby B works nights now and I wonder....why I was in such a rush to leave Best Buy and take this job that has taken me away from all I love.

I will be back.

I will have a new job in a month.....come hell or high water. And I will have more time.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Happy Fourth

So, I spent my next to last day at work taking pictures and taking breaks. I'll post pics later.

I've been thinking a lot about this new job and it feels like pressure. I'm happy about it and at the same time, I feel like I'm finally taking that step to real.....REAL.... life. This is a huge opportunity for me....and I don't want to fuck it up....for want of a better expression.

My Baby B and I are working out his work hours to have a day together still. I'll have weekends off and he works every weekend. He might just end up going down to part time and going legit with his action figure eBay business. I just want him to do what makes him happy.

We have worked together, lived together and spent our days off together for almost a year and this is going to be difficult for us. If we can make it through this big change, we can get through anything.

Anyway, I'm off to light fireworks and hang out by the waterfront and watch fireworks.

And you know what else, this time last year, I was nervous as hell for my first divorce hearing with CP. This time last year, I wasn't seeing my kids very much because CP kept them from me and I was living with my mom, paying for an empty apartment and stressing about the judge thinking, and agreeing with CP, that I abandoned my kids and taking them from me.

What a difference a year makes. That's reason to celebrate right there.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

So...guess who got a new job

Me!

I gave my two weeks notice to Best Buy today and I start my new job with the great State of Oregon on July 6th. I got a job with the Department of Justice - (and ironically enough) Division of Child Support Services.

I get 40 hours a week, insurance for me and the kids (paid for again by the great State of Oregon) lots of vacation, sick and personal time and I get a 90 day raise, yearly raises and cost of living adjustment raises.

I am so excited I can't even get the smile off my face.

I have to spend the next two weeks training my replacement and relaxing, because finally all my hours of filling out ten page state applications and answering essay questions finally paid off.

Yea!

Thursday, June 15, 2006

OK....so I've given it a lot of thought

and I've made a lot of changes in my life. I mean I missed amost a whole two months of blogging, and besides the attack of the allergies, the coughing so hard I popped the cartilege in my rib and then the falling over the dog gate and banging up my knee, my daughter's trip to urgent care when her eyes swelled up like golf balls, the new tattoos (pictures later) and being sucked into the MySpace/YouTube world of fun and silliness, I've put some things in order.

From here on out, I intend to blog at least a few times a week, if not more. I start my oil painting class next Monday, I dropped out of PSU and took "W"s in all my classes, save one, and found out I have kidney stones.

I started working out and I'm finally interviewing for other jobs.

I'm getting my life more settled and am ready for summer fun. Camping, traveling and going to Disneyworld with my Baby B.

I also plan on redoing my blog look. But that will take a day or two....maybe this weekend or next.

And I'm looking forward to reading up on my favorite blogs again.

Right now I have to cut hair.....for B and his friend (little hint: if you have hair cutting skills and don't really want to spend time every other week cutting a bunch of guys hair while they sit around and drink wine and play xBox 360.....don't tell anyone you have mad haircutting skills)

Just so you know.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Some things you want will just never be right

It seems like just yesterday that I posted and then I look on here and it was over a week ago.

My life is getting away from me.

There is so much to write about that I get overwhelmed. Obviously, as this used to be one of my favorite things to do.

I've been thinking lately that my life is so busy that I have no time to do the things I used to, the things that served my soul. I used to make music videos, I used to blog, I used to create websites for fun, I used to have time to scrapbook, badly, but I did it. And I used to paint.

I have all the supplies to paint and I have a brand new computer with all the fancy inputs and outputs to make kick ass videos.....and yet.

These are the two things that creatively pull me. The things I would love to do just for me.

And yet.

I'm trying to be this parent, in the face of great odds. I'm trying to be a mom to kids whose dad talks about me like I shouldn't be respected. I'm working full time and still going to school at Portland State.

And my mother, who has been such a big help to me in the last year, is leaving to move to Phoenix. She'll be gone in less than a week.

And I don't know why it pisses me off so much. My sister has a blended family with five kids and she's pregnant. My mom can't wait to hold the baby and be somewhere where she is depended on and needed. My mother and sister thrive off their co-dependent relationship. And I suppose that my independent nature and my ability to juggle everything on my own doesn't lend itself to my mother feeling truly needed here.

I'm just tired of inviting her over or trying to make plans to go over there and hearing her tell me she can't because she has plans with friends. She has concert tickets, she has friends coming in from out of town, she needs to pack, etc. It's like she's already gone. So tomorrow she coming over bright and early, so I can take her to work and she can buy a new TV for her new apartment in Phoenix and then she's going to give us hugs and take off, because she has plans to meet up with some of her friends and take in a show before she leaves.

At least I can get her the TV at a store discount.

Ah, well. I do what I can.

I also decided that I'm withdrawing from two of my classes at PSU and only finishing one of them out. I'm waiting until the last day to withdraw, so that I can keep my student loan money. But I'm done with school, permanently, after this term. I'll either get another job that pays better to make up the difference in the lack of student loan money or try for a promotion at work. I'm done going into debt, spending time studying that I'd rather spend with my kids or on myself or on My Baby B just so that I can pay the bills.

Damn the bills. Well, not really, but it sounded good for two seconds.

And finally, I had another court date with CP. The judge threw the book at him, but on a technicality (CP was entitled to a court appointed attorney due to the jail sentence on the line and he applied and was denied because the clerk was confused) the judge could not put CP in jail for his 30 days. So instead he sentenced him to six months total in jail, suspended, in lieu of payment. So CP has about three months to pony up.

I'll be honest, I've looked at my bills and made plans, if by some miracle he does pay me, for paying off bills, a vacation, and saving the rest. I'd love to get lasik eye surgery, too.

But I'm continuing to live my life like that money will never get to me. I can't count on it.

And so, some things in my life are wonderful and some things are just not right. They don't feel right. I'm unsettled and I know when I get unsettled that it's time to take a step back and look at everything and figure out what can go, what can be changed and what is important.

I know that some things will never be right.....my kids and I will never be the same. That's a hard one to stomach.....watching the physical changes and knowing that how they view life has changed so much. I know they are hurting.

We just have to get through it....the best we can. Together.

Rain by Patty Griffin

It's hard to listen to a hard hard heart
Beating close to mine
Pounding up against the stone and steel
Walls that I won't climb
Sometimes a hurt is so deep deep deep
You think that you're gonna drown
Sometimes all I can do is weep weep weep
With all this rain falling down

Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
But I'm holding on underneath this shroud
Rain

It's hard to know when to give up the fight
Some things you want will just never be right
It's never rained like it has tonight before
Now I don’t want beg you baby
For something maybe you could never give
I'm not looking for the rest of your life
I just want another chance to live

Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
But I'm still in love underneath this shroud
Rain

Monday, April 17, 2006

A few words about the single parenting gig

It is certainly not easy.

I have a whole new level of respect for my mother. I run from work to home to the doctor to the school and in the midst of it all try to find five minutes to sit down or read a book for fun and I find myself thinking of my mom and now understanding why she was so tired all the time.

In the last month I've had all my kids down with the nasty flu, I've spent 24 hours (far too long, looking back on it) devoted to my youngest daughter and her friends for her marathon birthday/sleepover. My son has gone on major anger outbursts and my oldest is so depressed there is little I can do, but be there and give hugs.

I have no idea how I get from day to day, I am so bone tired that I feel as if I could sleep for a year, but when I finally do get in bed and close my eyes I freak out because I haven't balanced my check book in three weeks, I have bills to pay and I lost the book I was reading when I moved. I haven't even unpacked half of the boxes yet.

I desperately want a slow, lazy day with My Baby B and we haven't had one of those in over a month.

I want time to enjoy my children and laugh and play cards and we had any time for that.

I have turned into mean, disiplinarian mom. I have had to unplug my youngest daughter's computer from the wall and unhook her TV just to get her to clean her room. She locks her door from me more than she has it open. I had to take the xBox game from my middle son that I bought to reward him, because he wouldn't do his chores My oldest son doesn't even tell me loves me anymore, he just says "ditto."

And tonight I had to take my daughter's cell phone. Last month she added an extra $90 to my cell phone bill in online usage charges and text messages. I told her to stop and I was too busy to keep good track of her minutes and usage. And tonight I opened a bill over $60 higher than the last one.

It's my own fault for not keeping better track of her, in a way, but she doubled her minutes, sucked up over half our roll-over minutes and downloaded ring tone and pictures off the internet to the tune of $70. Did you know that you can subscribe to automatic downloads on your cell phone that cost $9.99 each?

Now I do.

There is never a minute in my day where one of my kid's isn't angry with me.

There isn't a second of my life right now where I not tired and aching for a nap.

There is not a moment that goes by that I don't look ahead to the few shorts years I have left with them and look back on all the time that has passed and don't treasure this time, even though it is so mightilly difficult.

And each day for the last two weeks I've said exactly what my mother used to say to me....the sentence I promised I would never said.

"Because I said so, that's why."

And now I respect my mother so much for so many, many things.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Good Times

Considering we moved into a new apartment last weekend and then my Baby B got sick with the flu and has been in bed (or sleeping in the bathroom because he can't stray from the toilet) for four days and my house smells like a hospital I needed to do something to get happy.

So I got out the Vegas pictures and remembered that I hadn't put any up on line yet, so here they are. Just a few of my favorites.

More later....there is much to say.



In front of Caesar's Palace




On the bridge at the Venetian




Me somewhere on the strip




Me with a Klingon at the Star Trek: Experience in the Hilton




My Baby B trying to win a car




Yea, ummm....we had way too many of those

Saturday, March 04, 2006

Viva Las Vegas

So I just got back from Vegas. My Baby and I spent four whole days there, we rode every roller coaster at least three times, we went to Quark's Bar and the Star Trek: Experience (Yes, I'm a nerd), we saw the shows in front of the big hotels, we partied at Rum Jungle in Mandalay Bay and we spent Mardi Gras at the Rio.

I'll put up pictures tomorrow, as I have the day off work, and I might have caught up on my sleep by then.

It's funny how life just rolls along and the days pass and suddenly I realize that so much time has gone by and I haven't called my mother or my friend, AF, and my dad is back from Afghanistan and I just lose track of things. It's not like I'm losing my mind, I just get so busy.

But what I've realized is that I need to be pliable, never more so than now. There are all these things happening around me and I used to try and fight them off, to stand against them, but all I got was broken and tired. So now I'm trying to just go with the flow, to not fight or stand against things, to just realize that life is nuts and it's not going to slow down anytime soon and to give myself over to every second. I want to experience it all and feel it all and see where it all takes me.

Monday, February 27, 2006

Staring at the blank page before you

So I found this song, actually my daughter found this song....and I love the words. I know, Pops, lyrics are bad. But I love them.

Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield.

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your innovations
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten