Saturday, April 22, 2006

Some things you want will just never be right

It seems like just yesterday that I posted and then I look on here and it was over a week ago.

My life is getting away from me.

There is so much to write about that I get overwhelmed. Obviously, as this used to be one of my favorite things to do.

I've been thinking lately that my life is so busy that I have no time to do the things I used to, the things that served my soul. I used to make music videos, I used to blog, I used to create websites for fun, I used to have time to scrapbook, badly, but I did it. And I used to paint.

I have all the supplies to paint and I have a brand new computer with all the fancy inputs and outputs to make kick ass videos.....and yet.

These are the two things that creatively pull me. The things I would love to do just for me.

And yet.

I'm trying to be this parent, in the face of great odds. I'm trying to be a mom to kids whose dad talks about me like I shouldn't be respected. I'm working full time and still going to school at Portland State.

And my mother, who has been such a big help to me in the last year, is leaving to move to Phoenix. She'll be gone in less than a week.

And I don't know why it pisses me off so much. My sister has a blended family with five kids and she's pregnant. My mom can't wait to hold the baby and be somewhere where she is depended on and needed. My mother and sister thrive off their co-dependent relationship. And I suppose that my independent nature and my ability to juggle everything on my own doesn't lend itself to my mother feeling truly needed here.

I'm just tired of inviting her over or trying to make plans to go over there and hearing her tell me she can't because she has plans with friends. She has concert tickets, she has friends coming in from out of town, she needs to pack, etc. It's like she's already gone. So tomorrow she coming over bright and early, so I can take her to work and she can buy a new TV for her new apartment in Phoenix and then she's going to give us hugs and take off, because she has plans to meet up with some of her friends and take in a show before she leaves.

At least I can get her the TV at a store discount.

Ah, well. I do what I can.

I also decided that I'm withdrawing from two of my classes at PSU and only finishing one of them out. I'm waiting until the last day to withdraw, so that I can keep my student loan money. But I'm done with school, permanently, after this term. I'll either get another job that pays better to make up the difference in the lack of student loan money or try for a promotion at work. I'm done going into debt, spending time studying that I'd rather spend with my kids or on myself or on My Baby B just so that I can pay the bills.

Damn the bills. Well, not really, but it sounded good for two seconds.

And finally, I had another court date with CP. The judge threw the book at him, but on a technicality (CP was entitled to a court appointed attorney due to the jail sentence on the line and he applied and was denied because the clerk was confused) the judge could not put CP in jail for his 30 days. So instead he sentenced him to six months total in jail, suspended, in lieu of payment. So CP has about three months to pony up.

I'll be honest, I've looked at my bills and made plans, if by some miracle he does pay me, for paying off bills, a vacation, and saving the rest. I'd love to get lasik eye surgery, too.

But I'm continuing to live my life like that money will never get to me. I can't count on it.

And so, some things in my life are wonderful and some things are just not right. They don't feel right. I'm unsettled and I know when I get unsettled that it's time to take a step back and look at everything and figure out what can go, what can be changed and what is important.

I know that some things will never be right.....my kids and I will never be the same. That's a hard one to stomach.....watching the physical changes and knowing that how they view life has changed so much. I know they are hurting.

We just have to get through it....the best we can. Together.

Rain by Patty Griffin

It's hard to listen to a hard hard heart
Beating close to mine
Pounding up against the stone and steel
Walls that I won't climb
Sometimes a hurt is so deep deep deep
You think that you're gonna drown
Sometimes all I can do is weep weep weep
With all this rain falling down

Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
But I'm holding on underneath this shroud
Rain

It's hard to know when to give up the fight
Some things you want will just never be right
It's never rained like it has tonight before
Now I don’t want beg you baby
For something maybe you could never give
I'm not looking for the rest of your life
I just want another chance to live

Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
But I'm still in love underneath this shroud
Rain

Monday, April 17, 2006

A few words about the single parenting gig

It is certainly not easy.

I have a whole new level of respect for my mother. I run from work to home to the doctor to the school and in the midst of it all try to find five minutes to sit down or read a book for fun and I find myself thinking of my mom and now understanding why she was so tired all the time.

In the last month I've had all my kids down with the nasty flu, I've spent 24 hours (far too long, looking back on it) devoted to my youngest daughter and her friends for her marathon birthday/sleepover. My son has gone on major anger outbursts and my oldest is so depressed there is little I can do, but be there and give hugs.

I have no idea how I get from day to day, I am so bone tired that I feel as if I could sleep for a year, but when I finally do get in bed and close my eyes I freak out because I haven't balanced my check book in three weeks, I have bills to pay and I lost the book I was reading when I moved. I haven't even unpacked half of the boxes yet.

I desperately want a slow, lazy day with My Baby B and we haven't had one of those in over a month.

I want time to enjoy my children and laugh and play cards and we had any time for that.

I have turned into mean, disiplinarian mom. I have had to unplug my youngest daughter's computer from the wall and unhook her TV just to get her to clean her room. She locks her door from me more than she has it open. I had to take the xBox game from my middle son that I bought to reward him, because he wouldn't do his chores My oldest son doesn't even tell me loves me anymore, he just says "ditto."

And tonight I had to take my daughter's cell phone. Last month she added an extra $90 to my cell phone bill in online usage charges and text messages. I told her to stop and I was too busy to keep good track of her minutes and usage. And tonight I opened a bill over $60 higher than the last one.

It's my own fault for not keeping better track of her, in a way, but she doubled her minutes, sucked up over half our roll-over minutes and downloaded ring tone and pictures off the internet to the tune of $70. Did you know that you can subscribe to automatic downloads on your cell phone that cost $9.99 each?

Now I do.

There is never a minute in my day where one of my kid's isn't angry with me.

There isn't a second of my life right now where I not tired and aching for a nap.

There is not a moment that goes by that I don't look ahead to the few shorts years I have left with them and look back on all the time that has passed and don't treasure this time, even though it is so mightilly difficult.

And each day for the last two weeks I've said exactly what my mother used to say to me....the sentence I promised I would never said.

"Because I said so, that's why."

And now I respect my mother so much for so many, many things.