Monday, November 26, 2007

The Mist - Or 10 things not to do when you open a doorway to another dimension

Can I just say OH My God!?!

I hated this movie more than I hated A Clockwork Orange or Eyes Wide Shut (both Kubrick movies by the way). I hated this movie more than I hated Event Horizon.

I suppose it would be OK if there was some redeeming value or message in this movie. Some subtext that I could hold on to and say “I didn’t just waste $40 and two hours of my time on the worst piece of shit movie ever made.” But there was nothing, no message, no subtext….nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

And so it is without further adieu that I warn you of spoilers, if you haven’t seen this and want to, and don’t want to be spoiled, then don’t read the rest of this. If you don’t care then read on.

10 things not to do when you open a doorway to another dimension

10. When the nice quiet lady asks someone to walk her home through the mist to get to her kids (and ends up going alone) you should go with her, because for some reason she and her kids survive unharmed. Which is weird considering everyone else who went out in the mist was killed within steps from the grocery store door.

9. When you sneak out quietly to the pharmacy to get drugs to help the injured and the pharmacy is covered in the thickest spider webs you have ever seen, run like hell, but run quietly, because where there are spider webs, there are otherworldly spiders bigger than a Golden Retriever.

8. When you get stung by a mosquito bigger than a loaf of bread, there is not enough Benadryl in the world to save you from swelling up like a balloon and dying.

7. When a small revolver is on the hood of your car and you are trying to get away from the creatures from another world. Don’t reach out to get it. But if you do (and he did) the passengers in the car should not scream and scream - loud enough to attract every creature in the parking lot and bring them flocking your way. (for more on the gun see item number 2)

6. When easily 50 people are trapped inside a grocery store and cannot even open the windows or doors for fresh air, do not douse mops with lighter fluid and light ‘em up inside. Better yet, don’t give a mop to some freaked out guy who is obviously going to light himself on fire instead of the mop. (see item 9 and the trip to the pharmacy for this poor guy)

5. When big, big REALLY big flies and mosquitoes (see item number 8) fly to the window and land there looking in on the crowds of people inside, don’t turn on every light in the building to attract even more and more bugs so that the plate glass windows give way and bugs fly into the store. Had none of these people been camping….ever in their life? Bugs are attracted to light.

4. When you get in your vehicle, finally…., and you are driving through the mist, maybe, just maybe think about stopping for gas. It is a risk yes, but if you are quiet, you might just be able to siphon some gas off the pump at the station or maybe out of someone else’s car, and that would get you farther down the road, so you didn’t get stuck, out of gas and turn to your hand gun for comfort (see item 2 below)

3. Don’t ever try to convince a lawyer of anything, especially when it is as outlandish as someone getting sucked out of the delivery door opening by “tentacles” even if you have part of a tentacle to show him. Just don’t try.

2. When there are five of you left and only four bullets and you’ve run out of gas (see item number 4) and you hear rumbling off in the distance, don’t shoot everyone, including your son, and then wait for the inevitable end, because that rumbling off in the distance might be a military tank and soldiers coming to save your sorry ass. But what did you just do – SHOOT YOUR SON IN THE HEAD.

1. Shoot the bible thumping woman first, before she starts preaching, sweating, citing miracles, acting as a hypocritical vessel of God, turning half the people in the grocery store against you and then calling for the sacrifice of your son. SHOOT HER….that is a much better use of a bullet, especially when supply is limited (see number 2 above)

Honorable Mention: When you are in the military, don’t over tweeze your eye brows. It makes you look like a freak.

Another Honorable Mention: If you finally are talking to the girl of your dreams in the break room of a grocery store after you’ve been trapped in the store by the mist, and she kisses you…..have sex already…..don’t wait, just do it. Because you never know, she might get stung by a giant mosquito and then swell up like a balloon while you sit over her and cry. (see item 8 above)

Hopefully the rest of the holiday movie season will bring much better movies.

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