Thursday, September 11, 2008

Feeling listless

I have swept and cleaned the kitchen and watched an old episode of Lost. I made the bed and sorted out the garbage from the recyclables. And now I am wandering around my house wondering what to do next.

I could read, I could play a computer game or my DS, but nothing sounds appealing. I could go to yoga.

I have a job interview today at a place I'm really not hip on working at. But it's a job. I start graduate a couple of weeks. So the job, in retail, would work out well because I could have a flexible schedule.

I don't know what my deal is. I just don't know.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

It is sooooo hot outside right now

The weather here is brutal. Those of you from Arizona or maybe Florida are probably rolling your eyes right now, but it is 106 degrees out right now in the shade. I am in a perpetual state of sweat. My shades are drawn, my a/c is on, fans are blowing and it is still HOT.

I am still looking for work. Sent out lots of resumes and met with a few technical staffing agencies. As My Baby B says, if you throw out enough lines you're bound to get a bite. I sure hope so.

But with the job search comes some thoughts....mainly about school and whether or not I should finish. I have the time. I can get my student loans flowing again and I can finally finish my Masters and move on to my PhD. Honestly, getting my PhD and teaching and writing and researching was all I ever wanted to do.

Don't get me wrong....I love web programming. It's fun and it's challenging, but I came into it as a hobby and made a career (and I use that word you can't really call my work in that field a career) out of it. But it isn't something that I aspire to do for the rest of my life. I dream about school, I miss classes and tests and writing papers...and mostly I miss the goals. With each term completed I knew I was one step closer to getting there.

And then I stopped. Mostly, because I was maxing out my student loans to pay for school and my bills because CP wasn't paying me and I needed to make my ends meet. And I was working full-time and going to school and being a single mom of three. It got to be too much at the time and I wasn't giving school my full attention and my grades were not my best. And so I the time thinking I wouldn't ever go back.

But it calls....and I think I am answering.

Friday, August 08, 2008

My Mom's birthday party surprise

My sister and I started planning a 70th birthday party for my mom in January. We've texted daily, we schemed, we became consumate liars and we pulled it off. I think the only reason we did is because my mom is deaf in one ear and only has 50% hearing in the other. We messed up so many times.

But it was so worth it. She had no idea....NO IDEA....and was completely surprised. Thirty-five of her closest friends and family showed up to celebrate.

My mom lives in Arizona, so does my sister and her family. My mom was up visiting me for two weeks, my sis and fam drove up from AZ five days before the party and hid out in a hotel down the road. It was the most strategic and deceptive five days of my life. :-)

We have loads of pics, as I hired a photographer to catch the magic. I'm sharing some of them with you.

My mom was so surprised!

I started crying when she started crying

This is the only standard pic of My Baby B and I you will see

My Uncle Bob had had surgery just four days before the party. It was awesome that he showed up!

I love this man! Even when he makes faces. The photographer took so many, just trying to get him to play it straight.

He finally gave up and moved on to other photographic opportunities after this pic. LOL.

Such a moment. Family and friends all together.

Good times! And good cake.

Monday, August 04, 2008

Saw the movie "Closer"

This movie came out four years ago and back then GB strongly suggested that I not watch it given my separation and impending divorce. He was soooo right. Even four years later it is a tough movie to watch. It's raw and real....and everything about life, love, relationships and affairs and the aftermath is so on-the-spot. It brought back memories and makes me glad I'm passed that part of my life.

Lessons learned.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Curve Ball

So last Friday afternoon, my boss asked me to come into his office. Without any warning, he cut my hours in half. I went in two days ago and structured an independent contractor/work from home situation.

Now I'm back in the job market. If you know anyone needing a kick ass web developer and graphic designer. I'm ready.

It sucks and is a good thing all rolled into one.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

A letter to my nine-year-old self

Dearest Nine-Year-Old Rory,

I have been struggling through a number of issues as a 39-year-old woman and one thing I keep coming up against is just how much, at times, I still feel nine years old. And so, I thought I would take some time and write to you and that maybe, by letting you know how things are now, you might find some comfort.

It was so unfair what happened to you. One day you were running through the lilac trees, playing with your little sister and following your daddy around while he worked on the farm, and the next you are in a little town in Montana and you are taking care of your mother and sister.

It was so unfair that your father left you while you were on a family vacation and your mother crumbled and left you to take care of her and your little sister. Suddenly your lilac days were gone and you were doing laundry, doing dishes, cooking, cleaning, delivering newspapers, mowing lawns and cleaning gutters for money and you were driving your mother to the doctor for Demoral shots when she got a migraine and putting her to bed when you got home.

The poverty you were thrust into left you the school outcast and it didn't help any that you were the only kid from a divorced home in the whole least for a while. Your little sister fit right in, but you came into the social circle when cliques had begun to form and there just wasn't one for you. You worked too much to play marbles and jacks with the girls at school. But I think what was the worst for you was how different you felt and how bitter and angry you were at how much your life changed. You wanted to be mothered, not be a mother. You wanted to be held and told that it would all be OK. And it never was. Instead you gave up your childhood to care for those you loved and in the end, they moved on and started taking care of themselves when they didn't need you anymore and you made a new family to take care of.

But my little Rory, in the end, it works out OK. You have a family, three wonderful children, you leave the Mormon religion that you never really believed, though you certainly tried and you do finally stand up for yourself and learn to take care of you.

I won't doesn't work out like a fairy tale. Your children live elsewhere, you have an early empty nest and you weren't treated very well at all while you were married. You struggle with anger and resentment and you, well....are still struggling to find your path in life. You have been deeply angry for the last year, so much so that it burns like a fire inside you at times, threatening to take over. And your life, somedays is so brutally empty without your teenagers around that you just feel like you will dry up and blow away to dust in a light breeze.

But on the positive side, you have finally found a belief system that feels right and calms your fears about eternity and that vengeful God you were so afraid of. You find the most wonderful friends who accept you for who you are and love you just the same. You find dear, dear friends who actually take care of you sometimes. They call when they know you are sad and they bring over a bottle of wine and crawl in your bed with you and pour you a glass and hold you when you cry and then talk and talk and talk until by the end you are laughing.

And, my little Rory, you do finally meet a most wonderful man, who despite his flaws, would move heaven and earth for you if you asked him to. He would give his life for you. He is in so many ways that person you dreamed of when you used to walk the town at five AM delivering newspapers. He is funny, beautiful, caring and most of all he is there for you, when you need him and even when you don't. He is there. He loves you so very much. And you love very much. So much that you cannot imagine your life without him and you see the two of you growing old together and walking down the street hand in hand still smiling and laughing and loving.

So I know you are angry and I know you are hurting right now. I know, because I feel you inside me. I know you want justice and you want things to be different. And they are just have to wait 30 years for it to happen. And I know that deepest down you want to be taken care of. You want to know that everything will be OK. And that's why I'm writing you this letter, because you are finally being taken care of by me and everything will be OK. I promise.

I love you so very, very much.


Thursday, July 10, 2008

Dear Anonymous,

Back in March you posted a comment. I didn't see it until last month, but went to my Google Analytics and saw that you stayed on my blog and read almost every page. Then I really set to wondering just who you were.

Kevin sprang to mind, as he left on a mission for the Mormon church about three years ago. He should be back right now and might have checked in. But I think he would have left his name.

GB also came to mind, given the nerdy reference to Google Analytics....but I got in touch with GB and it wasn't him. We did do a lot of catching up though....which was nice.

There were a few others, old friends mostly, that I thought be my "Anonymous" but I don't think any of them would even know I had a blog.

And then it occurred to me. Who abruptly left us in the blogging world? Someone with many contacts, who posted prolifically and commented like a crazy man? Someone who probably wouldn't want to post his name, but who is a great, caring man and would want to leave a comment without causing a fuss. So Mr. Pops, if it was you, thank you. I'm glad you're still around and hope you are doing well.

And if not, then I just want to put a general thanks out there to Anonymous. Because of your comment, I went over my blog again, I decided to begin to put pieces of it back online. I got in touch with an old and dear friend who is a noble companion in my life and I fondly reminisced thinking of friends I've known over the years.

I appreciated your comment and the walk down memory lane.



Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Say HI to the Mukluk

OK, so My Baby B came home a few weeks ago and told me this hilarious story (that he made up), in this hilarious voice. His story was about the Mukluk. It was an elephant without any feet who the Native Americans in Alaska tried to help, and then the elephant went into the ocean and became a whale...and they called him the Mukluk.

So I ask the Mukluk questions every now and again, and always laugh at the answers. The other night after a poker game at the house, I asked the Mukluk "What makes the sky blue?" and I'm so glad I had my camera on. Enjoy!

By the way, I really, really love this guy. He makes me laugh every day.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Time to let go and let be

I realized this last weekend that I carry an intense amount of stress in my lower back, specifically my kidneys. It explains the stones. When I get in a fight-or-flight situation, confrontation, back just starts to pound. And I feel like I'm going to explode from the inside out.

So that tells me that there are stressors in my life that I need to let go of. The first is taking CP back to court. He is taking me back in August and though I could do the same on contempt for non-payment of arrears....I am not. I had all the groundwork laid and ready, but I'm not going to do it. Because if I've learned nothing in the last three years, it's that taking CP back and back to court is costing me tons of money and it's not ultimately accomplishing anything at all. He will pay for a while and then find some other way to stop paying or "make me pay," figuratively and literally.

The second thing I need to let go of is my anger at CP. A few months ago we had an argument on the phone that ended in me calling him a misogynistic prick who got his rocks of using the kids against me. He hung on me....and good for him, because I was just getting started. That was when I first noticed the kidney pounding. It's time to let it go. I will never like him, and will most likely think of the day I left him as the greatest most liberating day of my life, and he will always think I am a worthless human being. But do I need to actually feel angry, do I need to hold that so close to me. I don't think so anymore.

The third thing I need to let go of is....ah, heck....I think letting go of my anger at CP is big enough for now.

Don't you?

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

When you're young you have this image of your life

I have been missing one particular person who used to be my Mini-Me quite a bit. I won't write about it, because someone else has already done that.....and I don't write about certain people on this blog anymore.

I've hardly been outside my room in days,
'Cause I don't feel that I deserve the sunshine's rays.
The darkness helped until the whiskey wore away,
And it was then I realize the conscience never fades.

When you're young you have this image of your life-
That you'll be scrupulous and one day even make a wife.
And you make boundaries you'd never dream to cross,
And if you happen to you wake completely lost.

But I will fight for you, be sure thatI will fight
Until we're the special two once again.

And we will only need each other, we'll bleed together,
Our hands will not be taught to hold another's,
'Cause we're the special two.
And we could only see each other, we'll breathe together,
These arms will not be taught to need another,
'Cause we were the special two.

I remember someone old once said to me:
"That lies will lock you up with truth the only key."
But I was comfortable and warm inside my shell,
And couldn't see this place would soon become my hell.

So is it better to tell and hurt or lie to save their face?
Well I guess the answer is don't do it in the first place.
I know I'm not deserving of your trust from you right now,
But if by chance you change your mind you know I will not let you
'Cause we were the special two, and we'll be again.

And we will only need each other, we'll bleed together,
Our hands will not be taught to hold another's,
'Cause we're the special two.
And we can only see each other we'll breathe together,
These arms will not be taught to need another...
'Cause we're the special two.

I step outside my mind's eye's for a minute.
And I look over me like a doctor looking for disease,
Or something that could ease the pain.
But nothing cures the hurt you, you bring on by yourself,
Just remembering, just remembering how we were...

When we would only need each other, we'd bleed together,
These hands would not be taught to hold another's,
We were the special two.
And we could only see each other, we'd bleed together,
These arms would not be taught to need another,
'Cause we're the special two.

~ The Special Two by Missy Higgins from The Sound of White Album, in my opinion the best album ever.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Say what you need to say

So yesterday, I called my co-worker and office mate a Fucking Bitch. It was a long time coming. She is one of *those* kinds of people who is always right and interrupts you all time just to say over and over again that figuratively she is always right. And quite frankly, I'm mighty sick of her bullshit. And so when she came to me with (sigh) another issue with the website and I tried to explain what was going on and she talked over me and I tried again and she talked over me again, well....I pretty much lost it.

Gist of conversation:

Me: Why do you ask me questions if you don't even want to hear my answers?
Her: Blah blah blah (I don't know because I was still talking when she interrupted me)
Me: You are not even interested in my answer, you just want to complain.
Her: Blah blah take everything so personally and it's to silly and stupid (giggle)

And then I unleashed:

Me: If that is how you are going to be then you better just back the fuck up off me and leave me the hell alone. I am sick of your condescending bullshit!
Her: Laugh and snort
Me: You are a fucking bitch!!!!

And with that I stormed out of our little office area and noticed that a man and his roughly ten-year-old son were in the office visiting.


Well, if that kid hadn't heard the "F-bomb" before, he has now. And I'm so glad that I could help with the life-skills education.

I didn't get in any trouble for the swearing and now my co-worker and I just sit across the cubicle from each other and ignore each other.

Thank the Goddess for my iPod, it keeps me from having to listen to her incessent talking.

And admittedly, maybe it wasn't the best way for me to communicate and I could have used more tact and calm in trying to answer her questions and concerns, but it sure felt good to let it all out.

Oh yeah!

Take all of your wasted honor.
Every little past frustration.
Take all of your so called problems,
Better put 'em in quotations.

Say what you need to say
~John Mayer

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Crazy what you find when you are packing

So My Baby B and I are moving in two weeks and I've started packing. Packing stuff I never touch mostly, just stuff that sits, because packing my pots and pans now would not be good.

Anyway, I was cleaning out a drawer in my bedroom and I found all the quotes I used to write down from the TV show Joan of Arcadia....a show I used to blog about quite a bit.

There is this one....

"The reason I became a nun is because after the second time I stole money from my blind grandmother to runaway from home to join a surfing colony, I decided that I was such a horrible person that no normal remedy could save me. Thinking you're the worst person in the world is no different from thinking you're the best. It's giving yourself a place in the universe that you haven't earned."

Happy Saturday

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Out of the ashes

Do you know how much I miss writing? About anything? And so now toying with the idea of resurrecting this blog, bringing back a lot of old content that I took out, mostly out of fear, and carrying forward in a new direction. Less anger and more fun.

Because SJ said:

"You can let him take everything from you or you can remember that "this too
shall pass." (god, do you know how much I hate to quote the Bible? funny, I'm
not even sure that is from the Bible, but it sounds like it)"

(It's a Hebrew saying commonly used to offer condolences or sympathy to someone in pain or it could have been in the Bible)

And SJ, continued with:

"It's your life. No one can put an end to joy in your life unless you let
them. There is no reason to stop feeling joy, there just isn't. Even though your
kids are with him, they still yearn for you, want to see you do well. Be their
role model. Let them see you can prevail over all things. Only then will he have
lost. You will have their respect. It will take time what with his brainwashing,
but you will earn it. It's part of feeling joy and letting it happen in your
life. Goddammit, live YOUR life. Not what you think was chosen for you. much
love. and joy."

When I first read that comment, I was hurt....but she had a point, as do most people who kicked me in the ass for not blogging anymore. Years ago, almost 20 of them, I burned my journals. I was young and had just gotten married and my ex started reading them. Mind you, these were my journals (5-subject notebooks I'd filled with my life stories since I was 10 years old...I had about 15 of these notebooks)....and CP made fun of me and of the things I wrote. So one day, I lit a fire while he wasn't home and burned them all, page by page. I cried buckets and when the ashes were cold, I carried them in a garbage bag out to the dumpster.

What I wouldn't give to have those journals back.

But thinking of that reminded me that old habits, they stay. I burned my journals and I took down my blog. Why? Because CP used them against me.

And so....I don't think I want to follow old patterns of behavior anymore.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Could you leave me with a scar?

This blog is coming apart. It was my space, my place, my voice for the world to hear. But not for my children to read and not to be used as ammunition by someone who detests me to twist and toil my words into something they were never meant to be.

And so, it is with some regret, that I take down most of the posts on this blog. I keep giving in and stepping back and slinking into my hole, but I am not giving up. I won't ever do that.

This was my life, in all it's grief and fire, and I am not ashamed of it at all, but again, it is not for my children to read. The anonymity is gone and too many, many people that I actually know are chewing this up and spitting it out as something it never was to begin with.

And so this last post is for you, CP, my ex-husband. You may sit and smirk at your computer screen and think that you have won, you may think you can still control me, and maybe for a while longer you will succeed, but your time is almost done. What will you do then?

Because let me tell you, when you next read my words, they will not be couched in anonymity. My full name will be on the front cover of the book, and you will be splattered all over the inside of it. And it will be cataloged by the fucking Library of Congress. Where will you go then? Who will you lie to then?

Then it will be my turn to smirk. Ah, the justice.

My last lyrics....

You breathed infinity into my world
And time was lost up in a cloud and in a whirl.
We dug a hole in the cool grey earth and lay there for the night.
Then you said, "wait for me we'll fly the wind,
We'll grow old and you'll be stronger without him" but oh,
Now my world is at your feet. I was lost and I was found,
But I was alive and now I've drowned.

So now I will be waiting for the world to hear my song
So they can tell me I was wrong...

But they weren't there beneath your stare,
And they weren't stripped 'till they were bare of
Any bindings from the world outside that room.
And they weren't taken by the hand
And led through fields of naked land
Where any pre-conceived ideas were blown away...
So I couldn't say "no".

You sighed and I was lost in you, weeks could've past for all I knew.
You were there blanket of the over-world and so I couldn't say,
I wouldn't say "no". But they all said, "you're too young to even know,
Just don't let it grow and you'll be stronger without him"
But oh, now, my world is at your feet. I was lost and I was found,
But I was alive and now I've drowned.

So now I will be waiting for the world to hear my song
So they can tell me I was wrong...

But they weren't there beneath your stare,
And they weren't stripped 'till they were bare
Of any bindings from the world outside that room.
And they weren't taken by the hand
And led through fields
of naked land
Where any pre-conceived ideas were blown away...

So I couldn't say "no".

~"They Weren't There" by Missy Higgins

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Post Script

I just found out that my daughter discovered my blog. She knew it existed, because of my post about having my mother's hands, as I gave that to my mother in a frame for Christmas.

My daughter found my blog and read it. Go back to 2004 and early 2005 and what my 13-year-old is reading is not what I would want her to be reading. And she went ahead and told her father, CP, where to find my blog and he's read it. But now I face the fact that my daughter is reading what is right here on your screen.

So my dilema, take this blog down entirely or leave it here.

Since you are reading this, I've decided to leave it here. Especially considering Mormons my husband knows are descending on this blog like crazy. Thank the Goddess for Google Analytics. I know what keywords they are using, how long they stay, and what pages they are reading.

So read forth Mormons, and enjoy.

The damage is done. This is my life. I make no apologies. I learned many lessons.

(see next post, after even more fallout than I expected.....I have taken most of my blog down)

I have reconciled with My Baby B and we are wonderful. We are looking at houses to rent. We bought a puppy and we laugh and enjoy our quiet little life. My oldest son is about to graduate high school and is really putting his nose to the grind.

As for me, court looms, I'm tired of fighting the spector of CP, so I am not fighting custody. Obviously my daughter wants to be there. My son seems happy there. I am happy. And I have no desire to drag the kids and myself through therapy, court mandated check ups and an open gaping sore reminding my kids that their parents continue to fight in court rather than just settle into life.

I'm settling. I'm ready, I was ready ages ago. I hope CP is ready as well. Because I'm done with him and this fight.

We have to go to court one more time to argue money. And then I'm done.

The kids and I have been through enough hell.

PS - thank you everyone who commented, sent emails, etc, with comfort and support as I end this blog. I appreciate it very much.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

I think the time has come

To end this blog.

It was once my saving grace and got me through the hardest times, at least I thought they were the hardest times, in my life. Turns out, times, they get harder.

Last Friday I was served court papers from CP, he is asking for the world, money, and the kids. He has two of my kids with him and with everything that has gone on with My Baby B, I just don’t have the ability to deal with all of this.

I go to work, I sit at my desk, I go home, I try to eat, I watch mindless TV and I try to sleep. I am back in the fog that I lived in almost three years ago when I first left CP. The fog I existed in for almost 16 years of marriage to this man.

Now I realize the truth of my situation. I will never be free of CP. He will not rest until he has taken everything that I ever loved in my life from me. He continues to turn two of my kids against me and has tried the hard push for the same with my oldest child recently. He is obsessed with my every day comings and goings. He lies to me every time I talk to him on the phone (as evidenced to me by what he is asking for in these court papers). I will never be free of him.

CP said he wanted a Mormon wife three years ago and stupid me, I believed him. I’m sure he did want a Mormon wife, but his Mormon wife lives his church principles. He doesn’t have a reason to control or despise her. And so now he has his cake and is eating it too. He has his Mormon wife, he has two of my kids and he has me to continue to control, abuse and manipulate. I handed him everything he ever wanted for a happy and satisfied existence right out there on a silver platter.

I can’t believe I fell for it. But I did.

The only thing that keeps me going is my oldest son, who in six months will graduate from high school, and is excited to venture out on his own.

And so, this is my last post. I don’t find the solace here anymore that I used to. And nothing from the first to the last day of this blog has changed. I am still bound to a man I hate with an ever-burning passion, I am still poor, and my life is still nothing like I thought it would be. I don’t want to continue to bitch and moan on here and three years from now look back at six years of the sameness of my life. I hope it will be different.

To those who read, which are very, very few now, thanks. To those keeping on the blog life, I will sometimes continue to read.