Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Post Script

I just found out that my daughter discovered my blog. She knew it existed, because of my post about having my mother's hands, as I gave that to my mother in a frame for Christmas.

My daughter found my blog and read it. Go back to 2004 and early 2005 and what my 13-year-old is reading is not what I would want her to be reading. And she went ahead and told her father, CP, where to find my blog and he's read it. But now I face the fact that my daughter is reading what is right here on your screen.

So my dilema, take this blog down entirely or leave it here.

Since you are reading this, I've decided to leave it here. Especially considering Mormons my husband knows are descending on this blog like crazy. Thank the Goddess for Google Analytics. I know what keywords they are using, how long they stay, and what pages they are reading.

So read forth Mormons, and enjoy.

The damage is done. This is my life. I make no apologies. I learned many lessons.

(see next post, after even more fallout than I expected.....I have taken most of my blog down)

I have reconciled with My Baby B and we are wonderful. We are looking at houses to rent. We bought a puppy and we laugh and enjoy our quiet little life. My oldest son is about to graduate high school and is really putting his nose to the grind.

As for me, court looms, I'm tired of fighting the spector of CP, so I am not fighting custody. Obviously my daughter wants to be there. My son seems happy there. I am happy. And I have no desire to drag the kids and myself through therapy, court mandated check ups and an open gaping sore reminding my kids that their parents continue to fight in court rather than just settle into life.

I'm settling. I'm ready, I was ready ages ago. I hope CP is ready as well. Because I'm done with him and this fight.

We have to go to court one more time to argue money. And then I'm done.

The kids and I have been through enough hell.

PS - thank you everyone who commented, sent emails, etc, with comfort and support as I end this blog. I appreciate it very much.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

I think the time has come

To end this blog.

It was once my saving grace and got me through the hardest times, at least I thought they were the hardest times, in my life. Turns out, times, they get harder.

Last Friday I was served court papers from CP, he is asking for the world, money, and the kids. He has two of my kids with him and with everything that has gone on with My Baby B, I just don’t have the ability to deal with all of this.

I go to work, I sit at my desk, I go home, I try to eat, I watch mindless TV and I try to sleep. I am back in the fog that I lived in almost three years ago when I first left CP. The fog I existed in for almost 16 years of marriage to this man.

Now I realize the truth of my situation. I will never be free of CP. He will not rest until he has taken everything that I ever loved in my life from me. He continues to turn two of my kids against me and has tried the hard push for the same with my oldest child recently. He is obsessed with my every day comings and goings. He lies to me every time I talk to him on the phone (as evidenced to me by what he is asking for in these court papers). I will never be free of him.

CP said he wanted a Mormon wife three years ago and stupid me, I believed him. I’m sure he did want a Mormon wife, but his Mormon wife lives his church principles. He doesn’t have a reason to control or despise her. And so now he has his cake and is eating it too. He has his Mormon wife, he has two of my kids and he has me to continue to control, abuse and manipulate. I handed him everything he ever wanted for a happy and satisfied existence right out there on a silver platter.

I can’t believe I fell for it. But I did.

The only thing that keeps me going is my oldest son, who in six months will graduate from high school, and is excited to venture out on his own.

And so, this is my last post. I don’t find the solace here anymore that I used to. And nothing from the first to the last day of this blog has changed. I am still bound to a man I hate with an ever-burning passion, I am still poor, and my life is still nothing like I thought it would be. I don’t want to continue to bitch and moan on here and three years from now look back at six years of the sameness of my life. I hope it will be different.

To those who read, which are very, very few now, thanks. To those keeping on the blog life, I will sometimes continue to read.