Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Could you leave me with a scar?

This blog is coming apart. It was my space, my place, my voice for the world to hear. But not for my children to read and not to be used as ammunition by someone who detests me to twist and toil my words into something they were never meant to be.

And so, it is with some regret, that I take down most of the posts on this blog. I keep giving in and stepping back and slinking into my hole, but I am not giving up. I won't ever do that.

This was my life, in all it's grief and fire, and I am not ashamed of it at all, but again, it is not for my children to read. The anonymity is gone and too many, many people that I actually know are chewing this up and spitting it out as something it never was to begin with.

And so this last post is for you, CP, my ex-husband. You may sit and smirk at your computer screen and think that you have won, you may think you can still control me, and maybe for a while longer you will succeed, but your time is almost done. What will you do then?

Because let me tell you, when you next read my words, they will not be couched in anonymity. My full name will be on the front cover of the book, and you will be splattered all over the inside of it. And it will be cataloged by the fucking Library of Congress. Where will you go then? Who will you lie to then?

Then it will be my turn to smirk. Ah, the justice.


My last lyrics....

You breathed infinity into my world
And time was lost up in a cloud and in a whirl.
We dug a hole in the cool grey earth and lay there for the night.
Then you said, "wait for me we'll fly the wind,
We'll grow old and you'll be stronger without him" but oh,
Now my world is at your feet. I was lost and I was found,
But I was alive and now I've drowned.

So now I will be waiting for the world to hear my song
So they can tell me I was wrong...

But they weren't there beneath your stare,
And they weren't stripped 'till they were bare of
Any bindings from the world outside that room.
And they weren't taken by the hand
And led through fields of naked land
Where any pre-conceived ideas were blown away...
So I couldn't say "no".

You sighed and I was lost in you, weeks could've past for all I knew.
You were there blanket of the over-world and so I couldn't say,
I wouldn't say "no". But they all said, "you're too young to even know,
Just don't let it grow and you'll be stronger without him"
But oh, now, my world is at your feet. I was lost and I was found,
But I was alive and now I've drowned.

So now I will be waiting for the world to hear my song
So they can tell me I was wrong...

But they weren't there beneath your stare,
And they weren't stripped 'till they were bare
Of any bindings from the world outside that room.
And they weren't taken by the hand
And led through fields
of naked land
Where any pre-conceived ideas were blown away...

So I couldn't say "no".

~"They Weren't There" by Missy Higgins