Thursday, June 26, 2008

Time to let go and let be

I realized this last weekend that I carry an intense amount of stress in my lower back, specifically my kidneys. It explains the stones. When I get in a fight-or-flight situation, confrontation, back just starts to pound. And I feel like I'm going to explode from the inside out.

So that tells me that there are stressors in my life that I need to let go of. The first is taking CP back to court. He is taking me back in August and though I could do the same on contempt for non-payment of arrears....I am not. I had all the groundwork laid and ready, but I'm not going to do it. Because if I've learned nothing in the last three years, it's that taking CP back and back to court is costing me tons of money and it's not ultimately accomplishing anything at all. He will pay for a while and then find some other way to stop paying or "make me pay," figuratively and literally.

The second thing I need to let go of is my anger at CP. A few months ago we had an argument on the phone that ended in me calling him a misogynistic prick who got his rocks of using the kids against me. He hung on me....and good for him, because I was just getting started. That was when I first noticed the kidney pounding. It's time to let it go. I will never like him, and will most likely think of the day I left him as the greatest most liberating day of my life, and he will always think I am a worthless human being. But do I need to actually feel angry, do I need to hold that so close to me. I don't think so anymore.

The third thing I need to let go of is....ah, heck....I think letting go of my anger at CP is big enough for now.

Don't you?

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

When you're young you have this image of your life

I have been missing one particular person who used to be my Mini-Me quite a bit. I won't write about it, because someone else has already done that.....and I don't write about certain people on this blog anymore.

I've hardly been outside my room in days,
'Cause I don't feel that I deserve the sunshine's rays.
The darkness helped until the whiskey wore away,
And it was then I realize the conscience never fades.

When you're young you have this image of your life-
That you'll be scrupulous and one day even make a wife.
And you make boundaries you'd never dream to cross,
And if you happen to you wake completely lost.

But I will fight for you, be sure thatI will fight
Until we're the special two once again.

And we will only need each other, we'll bleed together,
Our hands will not be taught to hold another's,
'Cause we're the special two.
And we could only see each other, we'll breathe together,
These arms will not be taught to need another,
'Cause we were the special two.

I remember someone old once said to me:
"That lies will lock you up with truth the only key."
But I was comfortable and warm inside my shell,
And couldn't see this place would soon become my hell.

So is it better to tell and hurt or lie to save their face?
Well I guess the answer is don't do it in the first place.
I know I'm not deserving of your trust from you right now,
But if by chance you change your mind you know I will not let you
'Cause we were the special two, and we'll be again.

And we will only need each other, we'll bleed together,
Our hands will not be taught to hold another's,
'Cause we're the special two.
And we can only see each other we'll breathe together,
These arms will not be taught to need another...
'Cause we're the special two.

I step outside my mind's eye's for a minute.
And I look over me like a doctor looking for disease,
Or something that could ease the pain.
But nothing cures the hurt you, you bring on by yourself,
Just remembering, just remembering how we were...

When we would only need each other, we'd bleed together,
These hands would not be taught to hold another's,
We were the special two.
And we could only see each other, we'd bleed together,
These arms would not be taught to need another,
'Cause we're the special two.

~ The Special Two by Missy Higgins from The Sound of White Album, in my opinion the best album ever.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Say what you need to say

So yesterday, I called my co-worker and office mate a Fucking Bitch. It was a long time coming. She is one of *those* kinds of people who is always right and interrupts you all time just to say over and over again that figuratively she is always right. And quite frankly, I'm mighty sick of her bullshit. And so when she came to me with (sigh) another issue with the website and I tried to explain what was going on and she talked over me and I tried again and she talked over me again, well....I pretty much lost it.

Gist of conversation:

Me: Why do you ask me questions if you don't even want to hear my answers?
Her: Blah blah blah (I don't know because I was still talking when she interrupted me)
Me: You are not even interested in my answer, you just want to complain.
Her: Blah blah take everything so personally and it's to silly and stupid (giggle)

And then I unleashed:

Me: If that is how you are going to be then you better just back the fuck up off me and leave me the hell alone. I am sick of your condescending bullshit!
Her: Laugh and snort
Me: You are a fucking bitch!!!!

And with that I stormed out of our little office area and noticed that a man and his roughly ten-year-old son were in the office visiting.


Well, if that kid hadn't heard the "F-bomb" before, he has now. And I'm so glad that I could help with the life-skills education.

I didn't get in any trouble for the swearing and now my co-worker and I just sit across the cubicle from each other and ignore each other.

Thank the Goddess for my iPod, it keeps me from having to listen to her incessent talking.

And admittedly, maybe it wasn't the best way for me to communicate and I could have used more tact and calm in trying to answer her questions and concerns, but it sure felt good to let it all out.

Oh yeah!

Take all of your wasted honor.
Every little past frustration.
Take all of your so called problems,
Better put 'em in quotations.

Say what you need to say
~John Mayer

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Crazy what you find when you are packing

So My Baby B and I are moving in two weeks and I've started packing. Packing stuff I never touch mostly, just stuff that sits, because packing my pots and pans now would not be good.

Anyway, I was cleaning out a drawer in my bedroom and I found all the quotes I used to write down from the TV show Joan of Arcadia....a show I used to blog about quite a bit.

There is this one....

"The reason I became a nun is because after the second time I stole money from my blind grandmother to runaway from home to join a surfing colony, I decided that I was such a horrible person that no normal remedy could save me. Thinking you're the worst person in the world is no different from thinking you're the best. It's giving yourself a place in the universe that you haven't earned."

Happy Saturday

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Out of the ashes

Do you know how much I miss writing? About anything? And so now toying with the idea of resurrecting this blog, bringing back a lot of old content that I took out, mostly out of fear, and carrying forward in a new direction. Less anger and more fun.

Because SJ said:

"You can let him take everything from you or you can remember that "this too
shall pass." (god, do you know how much I hate to quote the Bible? funny, I'm
not even sure that is from the Bible, but it sounds like it)"

(It's a Hebrew saying commonly used to offer condolences or sympathy to someone in pain or it could have been in the Bible)

And SJ, continued with:

"It's your life. No one can put an end to joy in your life unless you let
them. There is no reason to stop feeling joy, there just isn't. Even though your
kids are with him, they still yearn for you, want to see you do well. Be their
role model. Let them see you can prevail over all things. Only then will he have
lost. You will have their respect. It will take time what with his brainwashing,
but you will earn it. It's part of feeling joy and letting it happen in your
life. Goddammit, live YOUR life. Not what you think was chosen for you. much
love. and joy."

When I first read that comment, I was hurt....but she had a point, as do most people who kicked me in the ass for not blogging anymore. Years ago, almost 20 of them, I burned my journals. I was young and had just gotten married and my ex started reading them. Mind you, these were my journals (5-subject notebooks I'd filled with my life stories since I was 10 years old...I had about 15 of these notebooks)....and CP made fun of me and of the things I wrote. So one day, I lit a fire while he wasn't home and burned them all, page by page. I cried buckets and when the ashes were cold, I carried them in a garbage bag out to the dumpster.

What I wouldn't give to have those journals back.

But thinking of that reminded me that old habits, they stay. I burned my journals and I took down my blog. Why? Because CP used them against me.

And so....I don't think I want to follow old patterns of behavior anymore.