Thursday, July 24, 2008

Curve Ball

So last Friday afternoon, my boss asked me to come into his office. Without any warning, he cut my hours in half. I went in two days ago and structured an independent contractor/work from home situation.

Now I'm back in the job market. If you know anyone needing a kick ass web developer and graphic designer. I'm ready.

It sucks and is a good thing all rolled into one.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

A letter to my nine-year-old self

Dearest Nine-Year-Old Rory,

I have been struggling through a number of issues as a 39-year-old woman and one thing I keep coming up against is just how much, at times, I still feel nine years old. And so, I thought I would take some time and write to you and that maybe, by letting you know how things are now, you might find some comfort.

It was so unfair what happened to you. One day you were running through the lilac trees, playing with your little sister and following your daddy around while he worked on the farm, and the next you are in a little town in Montana and you are taking care of your mother and sister.

It was so unfair that your father left you while you were on a family vacation and your mother crumbled and left you to take care of her and your little sister. Suddenly your lilac days were gone and you were doing laundry, doing dishes, cooking, cleaning, delivering newspapers, mowing lawns and cleaning gutters for money and you were driving your mother to the doctor for Demoral shots when she got a migraine and putting her to bed when you got home.

The poverty you were thrust into left you the school outcast and it didn't help any that you were the only kid from a divorced home in the whole least for a while. Your little sister fit right in, but you came into the social circle when cliques had begun to form and there just wasn't one for you. You worked too much to play marbles and jacks with the girls at school. But I think what was the worst for you was how different you felt and how bitter and angry you were at how much your life changed. You wanted to be mothered, not be a mother. You wanted to be held and told that it would all be OK. And it never was. Instead you gave up your childhood to care for those you loved and in the end, they moved on and started taking care of themselves when they didn't need you anymore and you made a new family to take care of.

But my little Rory, in the end, it works out OK. You have a family, three wonderful children, you leave the Mormon religion that you never really believed, though you certainly tried and you do finally stand up for yourself and learn to take care of you.

I won't doesn't work out like a fairy tale. Your children live elsewhere, you have an early empty nest and you weren't treated very well at all while you were married. You struggle with anger and resentment and you, well....are still struggling to find your path in life. You have been deeply angry for the last year, so much so that it burns like a fire inside you at times, threatening to take over. And your life, somedays is so brutally empty without your teenagers around that you just feel like you will dry up and blow away to dust in a light breeze.

But on the positive side, you have finally found a belief system that feels right and calms your fears about eternity and that vengeful God you were so afraid of. You find the most wonderful friends who accept you for who you are and love you just the same. You find dear, dear friends who actually take care of you sometimes. They call when they know you are sad and they bring over a bottle of wine and crawl in your bed with you and pour you a glass and hold you when you cry and then talk and talk and talk until by the end you are laughing.

And, my little Rory, you do finally meet a most wonderful man, who despite his flaws, would move heaven and earth for you if you asked him to. He would give his life for you. He is in so many ways that person you dreamed of when you used to walk the town at five AM delivering newspapers. He is funny, beautiful, caring and most of all he is there for you, when you need him and even when you don't. He is there. He loves you so very much. And you love very much. So much that you cannot imagine your life without him and you see the two of you growing old together and walking down the street hand in hand still smiling and laughing and loving.

So I know you are angry and I know you are hurting right now. I know, because I feel you inside me. I know you want justice and you want things to be different. And they are just have to wait 30 years for it to happen. And I know that deepest down you want to be taken care of. You want to know that everything will be OK. And that's why I'm writing you this letter, because you are finally being taken care of by me and everything will be OK. I promise.

I love you so very, very much.


Thursday, July 10, 2008

Dear Anonymous,

Back in March you posted a comment. I didn't see it until last month, but went to my Google Analytics and saw that you stayed on my blog and read almost every page. Then I really set to wondering just who you were.

Kevin sprang to mind, as he left on a mission for the Mormon church about three years ago. He should be back right now and might have checked in. But I think he would have left his name.

GB also came to mind, given the nerdy reference to Google Analytics....but I got in touch with GB and it wasn't him. We did do a lot of catching up though....which was nice.

There were a few others, old friends mostly, that I thought be my "Anonymous" but I don't think any of them would even know I had a blog.

And then it occurred to me. Who abruptly left us in the blogging world? Someone with many contacts, who posted prolifically and commented like a crazy man? Someone who probably wouldn't want to post his name, but who is a great, caring man and would want to leave a comment without causing a fuss. So Mr. Pops, if it was you, thank you. I'm glad you're still around and hope you are doing well.

And if not, then I just want to put a general thanks out there to Anonymous. Because of your comment, I went over my blog again, I decided to begin to put pieces of it back online. I got in touch with an old and dear friend who is a noble companion in my life and I fondly reminisced thinking of friends I've known over the years.

I appreciated your comment and the walk down memory lane.



Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Say HI to the Mukluk

OK, so My Baby B came home a few weeks ago and told me this hilarious story (that he made up), in this hilarious voice. His story was about the Mukluk. It was an elephant without any feet who the Native Americans in Alaska tried to help, and then the elephant went into the ocean and became a whale...and they called him the Mukluk.

So I ask the Mukluk questions every now and again, and always laugh at the answers. The other night after a poker game at the house, I asked the Mukluk "What makes the sky blue?" and I'm so glad I had my camera on. Enjoy!

By the way, I really, really love this guy. He makes me laugh every day.