Friday, October 21, 2011

I will be rising from the ground ....

I've spent the last few weeks really trying to figure out how not to be so angry at my sister.  I think the biggest thing for me is that she didn't listen to my side (via the letter).  I don't know why, but when that letter was out there in the wind, being read or not, it didn't bother me because there was a chance she would read it.  Now that I know it hurts.

But ultimately, I have no choice but to put her behind me, put the book she wrote up on the shelf (as it were), and let go of my anger.  So that is what I'm doing.

I've been writing a lot and keeping all those thoughts to myself, so it can be my work.  I'm been going to a lot of Bikram Yoga.  I'm still seeing my therapist. 

I'm also spending more time with friends, making sure to call people I love and check in and meeting girlfriends for lunch and shopping.  I need those "sisters" in my life, because I'm never really going to have that with my own related sister.  So I am making those connections elsewhere. 

I also have to keep reminding myself that my sister paid for about 400 books to be published and she was screwed over by her publishing house and they only published about 40 books.  So in the entire world of almost 7 billion people, there are only 40 copies of her book.  Maybe 75 people have read it in the entire world.  So that is something.  The last I heard she was going to try and sue her publisher and agent.  So 75 people read things about me.  I have to remember that that and then let it go.

I've always told myself I don't care what people think.  And I really don't, but I obviously did care what my sister thought and I was hurt that she thought so little of me. 

There is one other thing that has helped me through, and that is making sure I work every day to get the anger out of me until it's all gone.  I've been writing, painting, singing, and there is a song that I heard about two weeks ago that makes me cry every time I hear it.  It has become my mantra, of sorts, during this time in my life.

I don't normally subscribe to pop-rock and the young girl singers, like Miley, etc., but I heard "Skyscaper" by Demi Lovato.  My daughter loves this girl and I read some about her and she's been through a lot shit. 

The words to the song are amazing and they remind me everyday that though that book tore me down, I'm going to get over it.  Words are just words.  They are not me, they do not define me and I know my life and my story and I will hold my own truth and I will honor that. 

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper

~Demi Lovato