More About Me
I am a woman, a mother, a sister and daughter, a friend, and most recently a wife....again. I work hard, I play equally as hard. I practice Bikram Yoga, I write, here and elsewhere, and I paint on occasion. I am an ex-Mormon and I blogged about my journey out of that church on Blogger starting in 2004. It was done anonymously, but one of my kids Googled me and found it. Soon it was being read by Mormons I’d known in my real life and it cost me more than I thought possible. Most importantly, it cost me a relationship with one of my teenagers and we lost almost four years. In retrospect, blogging about my life and my divorce and my feelings about the Mormon church wasn’t my brightest move, but at the time I wanted it to be read. I wanted to know I wasn’t alone. Once I knew that, I just kept writing because it was cathartic.
When my blog was discovered by people in my real life, I pulled down the most glaring posts. I was unflinching in my commentary and I wasn't nice to myself and others who had let me down. Most glaring, I was in the thick of a separation and divorce and I had an affair. I wrote about it all and I thought it would never be discovered. I learned a hard lesson, but after years of living through it, and my sister's memoir, which she published with her real name and my real name and advertised to everyone we knew, I've had to grasp living life when everyone around can read about your most embarrassing and profound moments.
In the end, I've been piecing this blog back together and coming to terms with putting my real name and my real likeness online. You will notice that some posts have comments and some do not. Those that do not were, more than likely, pulled off the internet and only recently put back online.
I'm also adding journal entries and other things I've been writing over the years and in the future will focus more on my sister's book and my thoughts on what she has written about our family.
This is not an ex-Mormon blog by default, but because being a Mormon defined me for so long, it is still a part of me. Leaving a religion that had been the foundation of my life for over 20 years was, and continues to be, a profound experience.
Leaving that church also started the end of my 15-year marriage. I was divorced almost six years ago. We fought for custody, we fought over money and it got ugly. We were in court about twice a year for three years and finally reached a point in court where it was made clear that we had to be done with the legal fighting and move on.
During the separation, I lived through not seeing my children for four months, having my belongings left out on a patio in the rain, losing the love of my child and fair-weather Mormon friends, and for a while, I lost any sense of purpose.
Someone once told me that no one wins in a divorce and they were so very right. What I learned though is that pictures, while nice hanging on the wall, can cause sadness. Books left in the rain can be replaced. Clothes can be bought second-hand. Saving money can get you another, better piano.
But the most valuable lesson I learned…was that taking a stand for what I believe in was an empowering act, and even though the weight of loss was heavy, what I gained was wonderful. I no longer rely on a nameless higher power to tell me how to live my life, I don’t listen to old men preach from a pulpit and I don’t highlight scriptures looking for answers. Now I check in with my soul, I write down my dreams and I do what makes me happy and content, not what I think others would want me to do.
I am on a journey and I have no idea where it will take me…but over time, I've figured out where to begin and spend my time enjoying the ride life is taking me on.